hosted with permission for archival purposes.

        MARIJUANA SIMPSON

        What if Homer Simpson smoked weed Can hoemer do it too? can homer do it too?

        what if homer simpson smoked weed?

        Can you imagine if Homer Simpson smoked weed?

        Does Homer smoke weed? No? Well, what if he did?

        can you imagine what it would be like? Thank you.

        PSYCHIATRIST

        and how does it make you feel that Homer Simpson smoke weed?

        ME

        well, he doesn't. but i often imagine if he did.

        ME

        Homer, would you smoke this weed with me?

        HOMER

        Well, I never have... But I know you've often thought about it.

        ESTRAGON

        He wouldn't.

        VLADIMIR

        He could.

        ESTRAGON

        Homer... smoke weed?

        VLADIMIR

        He might.

        ESTRAGON

        But why?

        VLADIMIR

        Why not?

        BUSH

        And then what if Homer puffed it? Like this

        [pantomimes puffing joint]

        CHENEY

        [laughing] Bush you are insane

        BUSH

        It could happen.

        MORRIS

        [frankly] Did Homer Simpson smoke weed?

        RUMSFELD

        [long pause, then a sad grin] I don't know MORRIS

        You don't--

        RUMSFELD

        I do not.

        MCDONALDS

        Can i take your order sir

        ME

        marijuana simpson?

        MCDONALDS

        excuse me?

        ME

        sorry. was thinking about ho0mer smoke weed MCD

        o ok

        MCDONALDS

        order sir?

        ME

        iwantto-know-about-you

        MCD

        i can't sir

        ME

        why though?

        MCD

        it's-againstthelaw

        ME

        ur-a-person-2-me

        MCD

        thxbutno

        SETHROGEN

        BUhhh i mean f*cking... what if though? Homer simpson hiting a blunt, why not LETTERMAN

        [stares blankly into audience]

        BART is rolling a joint

        HOMER enters

        BART

        Oh, hey. Was just about to toke HOMER

        OK. Let's do this then.

        BART

        Light it up, then.

        HOMER

        ok

        HOMER

        This is some good herb

        BART

        I got it from my friend Moe

        HOMER

        Moe the bartender?

        BART

        He's also a weed dealer.

        HOMER

        Ah. Hit this

        BART

        Pretty stoned

        HOMER

        ME as well

        BART

        Moe as the good stuff

        HOMER

        It get's me blazed

        BART

        How come you never showed me how to skate?

        HOMER

        You were always toking on Moe's herb.

        BART

        Of course

        HOMER

        I'm still your father.

        BART

        I think it's cool you smoke green with me.

        BART

        Have you ever toked out and played videogames?

        HOMER

        Ah, [hitting joint] I'm older than most. It's beyond me.

        BART

        I'll teach you.

        HOMER

        I'm not sure.

        BART

        Why? It's easy, father.

        HOMER

        I feel as if I should tend to my various responsibilities.

        BART

        I understand.

        MAGGIE enters room

        MAGGIE

        Can I get in on this?

        HOMER

        [holding in smoke] Come hit this.

        BART

        Come and toke, sis.

        MAGGIE

        This is some good shit.

        BART

        It's from Afghanistan.

        MAGGIE

        I'm worried about the war there.

        HOMER

        Oh, shut up. Hit this.

        BART

        You're too conscientious, Mags.

        HOMER

        Agreed.

        MAGGIE

        I like to smoke weed too. But I am also a dialectic thinker

        HOMER

        [eyes widen] You MUST be kidding me.

        MAGGIE

        I know, [coughs] it sounds silly.

        BART

        I only care about blazing and enjoying myself.

        HOMER

        Here's to that [he produces a large blunt]

        BART

        You had that the whole time?

        MAGGIE

        It's from his personal stash.

        HOMER

        Yep.

        MARGE enters

        MARGE

        What goes on here? You smokin' with out me?

        HOMER

        Oh, shit. Sorry. Hit this spliff, then, if you want.

        BART

        Hey ma.

        MAGGIE

        It's good that we can smoke tons of weed as a family

        BART

        Hear, hear

        HOMER

        It's strange but enjoyable.

        WIGGUM enters

        WIGGUM

        What goes on here? Smoking without me?

        HOMER

        [holding in smoke] [points at Marge] She just said the same thing.

        WIGGUM

        Gosh, I haven't smoked in ages.

        BART

        What's that mean? Since this morning?

        the family laughs WIGGUM

        Come on now. Lemme hit it.

        WIGGUM

        [hits Homer's blunt] This is the good stuff.

        HOMER

        [satisfied] You know it.

        BART

        Would you expect any less from my father?

        MAGGIE

        [visibly stoned] I'm becoming more concerned about the war in Afghanistan.

        MARGE

        Oh come off it, you wet blanket! Shut your mouth!

        MAGGIE

        I'm serious.

        HOMER

        We know... That's your problem. You're TOO

        serious.

        BART

        She spends too much time in her own head.

        MAGGIE

        I'm comfortable in my own head.

        HOMER

        That's what the weed is for.

        everybody except Maggie laughs.

        BART

        Good one, Dad.

        HOMER

        Forget about Maggie. Is anybody here NOT stoned?

        And where the hell is my other son?

        BART

        Ken was at the bowling alley, last I heard

        KEN enters

        KEN

        You bastards talking shit?

        BART

        God, Ken. You are too brash. Calm down.

        LISA

        Hi, Ken. We were toking just now.

        MARGE

        [to HOMER] Lisa is the only one who can communicate with Ken. He shuts the rest of us out of his life.

        HOMER

        He has problems.

        HOMER

        [to Marge] Marijuana helps him open up.

        MARGE

        "Marijuana?" Homer, you are such a square!

        HOMER

        A square with a big fat blunt.

        MARGE

        Speaking of, let me hit that?

        HOMER

        I don't have it.

        MARGE

        What... Who has the blunt?

        WIGGUM

        I have it.

        MARGE

        Pass it here.

        MOE enters.

        MOE

        What the hell? No one told me about this smoke sesh.

        BART

        It's getting crowded in my room. We should go.

        HOMER

        Go where?

        MAGGIE

        Why not let's go to the gazebo?

        BART

        "Why not let's?" Somebody's high.

        MAGGIE

        Read a book sometime, moron.

        BART

        No thanks.

        GAZEBO

        MOE

        Great. Hopefully the cops don't come by.

        BART

        Oh shut up, and hit this fat blunt before I change my mind.

        MOE

        Spicy!

        HOMER

        The cops can't see us back here anyway. That's why I call it the "Herb Fortress."

        MAGGIE

        Nice name.

        BART

        Don't be a smart ass, Mags

        MOE

        God damn! This is some good shit!

        BART

        It's your own weed, doofus!

        HOMER

        Actually I got that weed from Apu, the man from the store.

        APU enters

        APU

        What's going on. Smoking without me?

        HOMER

        Apu, hi. We were just talking about you. Well...

        your weed at least.

        APU

        Nice.

        MOE

        You moving in on my territory, Apu?

        tense silence among the group MOE

        I'm only screwing around. We're friends HOMER

        Phew...

        BART

        I can safely say that I'm high as hell. Now if only we had some snacks.

        APU

        Well guess what. I work at the store, and I have snacks.

        KEN

        I'm sick of this fucking gazebo.

        MARGE

        Language!

        HOMER

        What's your problem, Ken?

        MAGGIE

        Calm down, Ken. It's OK

        BART

        Shut up, Ken.

        HOMER

        I don't understand how I have two great kids and one awful one.

        MARGE

        Homer! Not nice!

        MAGGIE

        Be fair, dad.

        BART

        He's right.

        BART

        Ken is a nuisance.

        KEN

        Guys, I can hear you.

        HOMER

        We know, Ken. You need to hear this. Put the blunt down. You're done for today.

        MAGGIE

        Can we lay off Ken now? He's been through a lot.

        Let's just toke and relax.

        MOE

        Cheers to that.

        WIGGUM

        Amen.

        APU

        I came here to smoke out in a gazebo, not to get the willies from some nasty family drama.

        BART

        Yeah, I'm freaking out. Pass the rock.

        HOMER

        Could you please leave, Ken?

        MAGGIE

        Dad!

        HOMER

        I'm the father.

        MARGE

        You're also bogarting that blunt. Pass that shit.

        APU

        You guys remind me of my family. Always fighting.

        HOMER

        The weed helps.

        WIGGUM

        [exhaling huge hit] Obviously not.

        FLANDERS

        Can I hit that dope?

        MAGGIE

        Who calls it "dope?"

        FLANDERS

        I just did, you little snot. Now shut your mouth and pass that shit.

        MARGE

        You can't talk to my children like that, Flanders.

        HOMER

        OUR children.

        MARGE

        ... That was implied. Sheesh, how stoned are you?

        HOMER

        This fatty is almost gone. Who has more bud?

        APU

        I don't carry that shit with me.

        MOE

        Don't look at me... for both our sakes HOMER

        Son?

        BART

        That was the last of mine, father. I didn't think there would be so many people smoking it.

        FLANDERS

        I only got one hit.

        MAGGIE

        Who cares, Flanders? It's not like you ever pay for it.

        FLANDERS

        Yet I put up with your trumpet playing at all hours of the night.

        MAGGIE

        Shut up.

        HOMER

        Folks, let's just calm down. Stoners like us are supposed to be docile, remember?

        MARGE

        My husband is right. Chill.

        BART

        I'm not going to be able to relax until I have more god damn green to toke.

        MARGE

        Language, Bart! Language!

        BART

        Sorry.

        HOMER

        Apu, can we swing by your place?

        APU

        I don't keep my shit at my place.

        HOMER

        Where then?

        APU

        It's at the honeycomb hideout.

        HOMER

        Well let's go to the damn hideout, then!

        APU

        You need to chill.

        MAGGIE

        Dad!

        MARGE

        Homer, calm yourself.

        BART

        I want to smoke.

        WIGGUM

        I come all the way over here to smoke and you losers have almost no weed? I'm out.

        APU

        Me too.

        MOE

        This is lame.

        Bartswanna

        HOMER

        Now we're left alone in the gazebo with our family problems.

        BART

        I can't deal with this right now. I'm going to go listen to music.

        MAGGIE

        This is pathetic.

        HOMER

        Oh, shut up.

        MAGGIE

        You're all a bunch of drug addicts.

        MARGE

        Like you didn't just hit the blunt 5 times MAGGIE

        I smoke to release my latent creativity HOMER

        Well I smoke to get fucked up. And this is my gazebo.

        MAGGIE

        I'm out of here

        MARGE

        Well, now it's just me and you.

        HOMER

        Where did Ken go?

        MARGE

        Who cares?

        HOMER

        Good poINT.

        MARGE

        I have things to do. I'm going to go.

        HOMER

        Great. Just leave me out here... stoned and by myself.

        MARGE

        Bye, Homer.

        The sun is setting. Homer smacks a mosquito on his forearm HOMER

        I had such high hopes for this afternoon.

        HOMER

        Smoking weed with my family is only a temporary solution to our problems. It seems to unite us, but it only makes us more distant.

        HOMER

        My daughter is a pedant, my sons are worthless. I have no friends. People only associate with me because they know I share my weed.

        HOMER

        We are apart even when we are together. The drugs only widen the gulf between us by creating the illusion of a bond.

        HOMER

        It has become a substitute for genuine love and connection. We're only a family when there is a blunt being passed among us.

        HOMER

        I know I need to do something. But I'm so high...

        so high. I think I'll just lie down for now. I'll remember this when I'm sober.

        HOMER lies down on the gazebo bench. He tosses and turns at first before drifting comfortably off to sleep. The sun sets.

        -END-

        HOMER

        Sonic, what gives? You've taken nearly 7 hits.

        SONIC

        [exhaling huge hit] My weed, my rules.

        HOMER

        Come on. Be fair.

        HOMER

        Your bad boy persona alienates you from your peers.

        SONIC

        I don't care. I need to be higher than everyone around me.

        HOMER

        Not good

        HOMER

        You don't care at all about others?

        SONIC

        You act like you're just realizing this.

        HOMER

        Maybe I'm just stoned. I don't know.

        SONIC

        I understand your concerns. I just don't care about them.

        HOMER

        I know you're selfish but why do you need to be so brash?

        SONIC

        [passes the blunt to Homer] Hit this shit and shut your mouth.

        HOMER

        [takes the blunt] Don't talk to me like that. It bothers me.

        SONIC

        You're getting blazed on my dime. I'll talk to you however I want.

        HOMER

        You didn't use to be like this. You changed.

        HOMER

        You use weed to make friends, but then you treat them poorly. It's hurtful behavior.

        SONIC

        [exhales huge hit in Homer's face]

        HOMER

        Why won't you take this seriously?

        SONIC

        Because you sound like a babbling stoned idiot.

        You're not making any sense.

        HOMER

        It's true that I get emotional when I'm high, but I really do feel this way, even sober.

        SONIC

        Give me the blunt. You're done.

        HOMER

        I called you out and now you're withholding weed.

        This is what I'm talking about.

        SONIC

        Be gone. Let me smoke in peace.

        HOMER

        You don't want me to leave.

        SONIC

        You know I'm a teenager, right? Do you know how weird this is?

        HOMER

        You're 19. Hardly a teenager

        SONIC

        Yeah. NineTEEN.

        HOMER

        I'd like to say you're mature for your age but that's not the case.

        SONIC

        [exhales huge hit] Whatever old man HOMER

        What made you like this?

        SONIC

        You know what.

        HOMER

        Your father's death? But you hated him.

        SONIC

        Can we change the subject?

        HOMER

        I just feel like I've lost a friend.

        SONIC

        I'm right here, asshole.

        HOMER

        You're there but you're not.

        SONIC

        And why are you here?

        HOMER

        Why can't we talk about your father.

        SONIC

        Drop it, Homer.

        HOMER

        No. I won't.

        SONIC

        Drop it or get out of my apartment.

        i'm not sure if he ever has, but i think if he wanted to, homer simpson could probably smoke weed do you think homer simpson could inhale the smoke from the burning marijuana deep into his lungs, then exhale, becoming intoxicated?

        do you know if homer simpson has ever inhaled the smoke of the marijuana plant? i'm not sure. it would make him high pretty easily.

        have you ever wondered if homer simpson could breathe in the acrid smoke of the green marijuana buds? i think it might get him pretty high.

        GOKU

        Why are you two fighting always? We can't just toke?

        SONIC

        He's bothering me.

        HOMER

        Sonic has unresolved issues.

        i'm not sure if homer has ever taken a drag from the marijuana cigarette or a pipe, which would cause him to become high because of the THC.

        is it really so hard to imagine homer simpson lighting the blunt, inhaling the smoke, and becoming high?

        MARGE

        You smell that? Weed?

        HOMER

        Bart might be smoking in his bedroom. I sometimes wonder if I am capable of smoking weed.

        BART

        I smoke weed all the time.

        MAGGIE

        I smoke weed sometimes.

        HOMER

        I'm thinking about smoking weed all fucking day.

        MARGE

        I enjoy a good toke.

        BART

        I never stop smoking.

        LISA

        I smoke weed at the appropriate time.

        HOMER

        I'm addicted to weed.

        HOMER

        I am a confident, well-to-do, middle aged man.

        There's nothing wrong with me enjoying some marijuana in moderation.

        Homer losing sleep while images of Barney being 2 drunk 2 toke

        & dropping the joint on the floor flash by. What happened to his friend?

        HOMER

        I need to pick up some weed after work, do you need anything while I'm in town?

        MARGE

        Thanks but I don't think so.

        FLANDERS

        Weed helps me cope with my problems.

        BART

        I like weed because it makes me feel good.

        MOE

        I smoke weed to relax and reduce stress LISA

        Weed helps me be more creative.

        MAGGIE

        Smoking weed helps clear my mind.

        HOMER

        Smoking weed helps me love my family.

        REPORTER

        What do you like most about pot?

        HOMER

        When I smoke it, my body starts to change. I see things differently. My son is everything TROPICAL MAN is holding the piece too long HOMER

        It's not a microphone.

        BART

        Don't park on the grass.

        MIYAMOTO

        -laughs- anything can happen MIYAMOTO

        -still laughing- I can definitely see us making that work

        IWATA

        Homer can do it -laughs-

        HOMER rips on the bong and spews SMITHERS

        Problem, Mr. Simpson?

        BURNS

        Are you upset

        HOMER

        This is schwag

        SMITHERS

        e-excuse me sir?

        BURNS

        Do you know how much that cost?

        HOMER

        There's no crystals on it

        SMITHERS examines the pot

        SMITHERS

        Sir?

        BURNS

        Yes, Smithers?

        SMITHERS

        There are no crystals on this sir BURNS

        This is ridiculous. Get Mayor Quimby on the phone MARGE

        Tragedy has struck

        HOMER

        Why would they do this? Why would they attack us

        BART

        What's going on?

        HOMER

        The USA has been attacked

        BART

        Why?

        HOMER

        We don't know

        BART

        What's going to happen

        MARGE

        A war is going to happen

        BART

        Am I safe?

        HOMER

        How low can you go

        BART

        To de flo

        HOMER

        How low can you go

        BART

        to the flo

        HOMER

        How low can you go

        BART

        To the flo

        HOMER

        How lo

        LATER

        HOMER

        My son has been drafted

        LENNY

        Homer..

        HOMER Takes a hit

        HOMER

        This is unreal

        LENNY

        He's so young

        HOMER

        He's going to Iraq

        BART

        I'm going to miss you guys

        HOMER

        How about one last blunt?

        BART

        Dad...I can't

        HOMER

        For old time's sake

        BART

        ...Let's do it

        Homer smokes weed, in the past, present, and future.

        HOMER

        I'm going to miss this

        BART

        This treehouse is home to good memories HOMER

        I made sure to get good shit

        BART

        It's really good pot

        HOMER

        It's the Moe shit

        BART

        It's so sticky

        LONG SILENCE

        HOMER

        Maybe Iraq has the good stuff?

        BART

        Yeah. Maybe.

        HOMER

        Yeah...

        BART

        I'm freaking out dad

        HOMER

        It's just pot man

        BART

        Not the pot. Dad, I'm scared

        HOMER

        Me too..but you're smart. It will be fine BART

        Why did they take over those planes? Why'd they ruin our peaceful life?

        HOMER

        They hate our freedom

        BART

        Why?

        HOMER

        It's complex

        BART

        It's time to go

        HOMER

        Son, I'm really proud of you

        BART

        Dad. I love you

        HOMER

        You'll always be my son

        BART boards the bus LISA

        I'm wondering if we depend on herb too much as a family.

        HOMER

        [blows a massive hit in her face] You depend on my herb. Now be gone.

        HOMER

        My marriage is ruined. I can't look ken in the face without feeling rage. But this bud just keeps getting better.

        HOMER

        [sobbing] I miss him. I miss him MOE

        Homer...

        SONIC

        Take care of business at home. Bart can take care of himself. Now hit this.

        I can see it so clearly. Homer pulls out the bowl and clears the bong. The cool clear bong water churns wildly. He exhales and grins.

        HOMER

        So I just pull the thing out and inhale?

        MOE

        Yeah, make sure y--

        HOMER

        I'm joking. I know how to smoke a bong. Pass that shit.

        MARGE

        I miss our son

        HOMER

        Can I please just relax and blaze?

        MARGE

        I'm sorry

        HOMER

        You act like he's already dead. He's fine. Hit this.

        MARGE

        You're not worried about Bart in Iraq?

        HOMER

        Of course I am [exhales huge hit] That's why I'm smoking this kush.

        HOMER

        I don't agree with the war in Iraq. [exhales massive hit] I miss my son.

        MOE

        Christ... [exhales blunt hit] ...I never thought my son would be fighting in Iraq HOMER

        [hits blunt] Moe you don't even have a son.

        MARGE

        My son is not a killer.

        HOMER

        [hits the blunt] He'll be fine

        MARGE

        You're OK with this?

        HOMER

        What choice do I have? Now hit this.

        HOMER

        I haven't seen tropical man recently CARL

        we're all worried

        SMITHERS

        is he fighting for our freedom?

        SCENE

        IRAQ BASE

        BART

        there's no kush here. I'm dry as a bone MAN

        They only smoke hash here BART

        it's you!

        MAN

        they got me too

        BART

        Do you have hash?

        MAN

        I have a lot of hashish to smoke BART

        let's hit it

        BART

        This war has changed me a lot.

        MAN

        Yeah.

        BART

        But I still love to get high

        MAN

        Yeah.

        LISA

        Smoking AGAIN?

        HOMER

        I have a son in Iraq and my daughter is a devil LISA

        What?

        HOMER

        You're grounded from smoking weed.

        SMITHERS leaves embarrassed

        CARL What's wrong with him

        LENNY

        He's been burping all day

        HOMER

        He swallowed the hit

        HOMER

        I can't focus on this job

        CARL

        Maybe you should go home. Roll a J

        HOMER

        I need to earn for my family. What's left of it anyway

        BURNS enters

        BURNS

        Simpson. We need to talk

        HOMER

        I'm sorry about my performance.

        BURNS

        It's about something else. Your pamphlets.

        HOMER

        I'm anti-war. My son is over there. I haven't heard from him

        BURNS

        You can't bring politics to the workplace HOMER

        This is crazy.

        BURNS

        The weed is one thing. We all love to toke. But you've gone too far

        HOMER

        You cant silence me.

        BURNS

        I can't. But I can cut you off

        BURNS picks up phone

        BURNS

        Moe.

        HOMER

        Don't do this to me

        BURNS

        Cut him off.

        HOMER

        No.

        BURNS

        You dug your own grave

        HOMER

        No! My son!

        BURNS

        Your son is doing something noble HOMER

        The government made him their puppet BURNS

        You need to keep this out of my plant HOMER

        You need to keep your hands off of MY plant BURNS

        I'm afraid it can't be undone

        HOMER

        I'll find another dealer

        BURNS

        With shit as good as Moe's?

        HOMER

        ...

        BURNS

        Go ahead. Make my day.

        HOMER

        [IN RAIN, DISTRAUGHT] This is fucked up.

        VAN PARKS NEAR HIM

        VOICE

        I heard you need goods HOMER

        Who are you?

        VOICE

        Circus Bob

        HOMER

        Circus Bob?

        BOB

        Correct.

        HOMER

        What do you have for me

        BOB

        I'll show you

        CIRCUS BOB REVEALS TRUNK OF GREEN, WEAPONS

        HOMER

        That's too much

        BOB

        Too much of a good thing?

        HOMER

        The saying is true

        BOB

        Fine. Have it your wayâ„¢

        AT MOE'S

        HOMER

        Moe.

        MOE

        Homer.

        HOMER

        You can't be okay with this.

        MOE

        I'm afraid I am

        HOMER

        but...

        MOE

        Money talks

        HOMER

        But you're my friend.

        MOE

        We were never friends. This was all business HOMER

        But we toked on it together

        MOE

        I did with many.

        HOMER

        You snake. You know what I'm going through MOE

        We all have problems, Homer.

        HOMER

        You knew Bart. You loved him

        MOE

        ...

        HOMER

        You came to my home. You ate dinner with my family.

        MOE

        You spent $40,000 on weed in the past 3 years.

        MOE

        ..I did but, these are War Times HOMER

        I'm against it

        MOE

        Don't you fucking see? We all are HOMER

        But my son

        MOE

        How many others?

        MOE turns away

        HOMER

        Give your weed to me

        MOE

        I can't do that

        HOMER

        I need to smoke

        HOMER exits

        Simpsons Residence

        HOMER

        I'm home

        MARGE

        You have a visitor

        HOMER

        is someone visiting?

        LISA

        There's a visitor

        HOMER

        Who visits?

        CIRCUS BOB lounges on couch

        HOMER

        Bob

        BOB

        How's my offer sounding?

        HOMER

        I can't afford it

        HOMER Packs final bowl

        CIRCUS BOB glances out back window HOMER

        What are you thinking MARGE

        It's obvious

        KEN

        We all know.

        HOMER

        ...

        HOMER

        No

        BOB

        They don't make them like that anymore HOMER

        That place is sacred

        MARGE

        Give him what he wants

        HOMER

        That gazebo is special

        BOB

        I just want access. 24/7

        HOMER

        My family lives here

        BOB

        I won't interfere

        HOMER

        We built that together [Takes hit]

        CIRCUS BOB reveals blunt

        MARGE

        Homer...

        LISA

        look at it

        HOMER

        Is that....

        BOB

        Vintage White Grape Game cigar.

        HOMER

        How?

        BOB

        I have guys

        HOMER

        Can I see it

        CIRCUS BOB hands over blunt

        HOMER

        [inhales sharply] Bob

        BOB

        Yes?

        HOMER

        This is mids.

        SCOWLING

        You think I'd bring the good shit here? To this slum?

        MARGE

        We're in debt

        HOMER

        Show me your kush

        BOB

        Let's take this to the Gazebo. I'd love to see inside

        HOMER

        Fine. But my son loves that Gazebo SCENE

        GAZEBO]

        HOMER

        This..

        BOB

        Iraqi Hash

        HOMER

        How did you..

        BOB

        I have a man in their base

        HOMER

        My son is there

        BOB

        Your son is doing fine. I know all about him.

        HOMER

        Is he safe?

        BOB

        He's hitting the bong as we speak HOMER

        Thank god

        HOMER

        And Tropical Man?

        BOB

        MIA. Two weeks.

        HOMER

        My god...

        BOB

        Let's get to business

        HOMER

        Bob...I need to see my son

        BOB

        Full access, Homer.

        HOMER

        ....Will my family be fine?

        BOB

        Like they were my own

        HOMER

        I agree to the deal.

        BOB

        I can arrange your goals to be met HOMER

        We need to do something first

        BOB

        I packed it already

        HOMER

        Let me get greens

        BOB

        No. [TAKES MASSIVE HIT]

        HOMER

        ... This is shady

        BOB

        Take your hit

        HOMER

        It's kicked

        BOB

        What?

        HOMER

        It's beat

        BOB

        I don't...

        HOMER

        What do you say? The weed is burnt.

        BOB

        Cashed?

        HOMER

        Okay. it's Cashed

        BOB

        Kicked? Why?

        HOMER

        It's just what we say here

        BOB

        I always said cashed

        HOMER

        My father said beat. But I say kicked KEN

        I say kicked too

        BOB

        That's weird

        HOMER

        Can you repack this fucking shit? I need to smoke BOB

        It's packed

        HOMER

        Thanks

        BOB

        You'll leave for Iraq tomorrow

        HOMER

        I'm doing this for my son

        BOB

        I know. [Exhales]

        LINDA

        I'm worried about my father. He provides for us but he spends all his time upgrading his weed accessories and buying more weed.

        LISA

        It's important for a father to bring home big sacks of weed for his family to smoke.

        MARGE

        [exhales huge bong hit] Hear fucking hear BART

        I'm scared being over here. I miss the comforts of home and chiefing with my father and sister.

        MIKE

        I don't smoke but I'm terrified.

        LISA

        Do you think our brother will ever come home?

        MAGGIE

        There's no way of knowing

        LISA

        All I want is to chief with him.

        CARL

        I'm worried about the Simpson family MOE

        That boy belongs in Iraq

        CARL

        Moe...

        MOE

        I don't care.

        CARL

        He's only 19

        MOE

        Fuck you

        FLANDERS

        Are the Simpsons okay?

        MAN

        All of gods children make of out okay FLANDERS

        This shit is serious. Can you shut the fuck up?

        LENNY

        Homer hasn't posted on grass city for days BARNEY

        He's not out and about

        APU

        Homer has his own plans

        SERGEANT

        Get on the fucking floor, Simpson.

        BART

        I'm a normal comfortable American boy. I'm not a warrior.

        SERGEANT

        On the fucking floor.

        SMITHERS

        I think you pushed Homer too far BURNS

        I made the wrong choice. We're all concerned for homer

        SMITHERS

        Its not a microphone

        SERGEANT

        You've been a piece of stoner shit on the heel of my boot since day 1.

        BART

        At home I make all of my friends laugh. I'm loved HOMER

        Can we smoke on this plane?

        BOB

        What? After the attacks? Not anymore.

        HOMER

        What have they done to us...

        MAGGIE

        I don't believe in this war

        LISA

        Please pass the J

        MAGGIE

        Our brother is brave and our ancestors would be proud

        LISA

        Don't bogart

        SERGEANT

        Don't worry about al Qaeda. I'm your new worst enemy

        he exits

        BART

        I want to be smoking weed in my living room with my family

        HOMER

        The security guards didn't find my blunt wraps BOB

        They don't know what it is. They only smoke hash HOMER

        Fucking animals

        BART

        At home I am loved and adored. In this strange country I am treated like a dog and denied my humanity. My identity is disintegrating.

        BART

        I took my family and the comforts of home for granted. Now I am at the nadir of my brief life. I long for the comfort of marijuana BART

        I try to fit in but I am not made for war. I am a peaceful stoner boy. How I miss my father. How I miss my bubblers and chillums.

        BART

        I feel naive to have been so complacent and serene back home. But how could I know that I would soon be asked to kill a human being?

        BART

        Last night I awoke from a dream, trying to grab a passed blunt that wasn't really there. I feel this emptiness at all times.

        BART

        I am no longer a peaceful and gregarious weed smoker. I am an attack dog of the imperialist state. My only function is to kill.

        BART

        I need to learn to suppress my emotions, my longings for home. The only way for me to survive is to accept that I am a killer.

        BART

        I am a soldier now. There is now way out. There is no going home. There is no home. I will die in this desert.

        MARGE

        I made bbq'd lobster cheddar portabello caps, maple glazed asparagus, fresh quahogs...

        LISA

        Leave me alone

        MARGE

        You need to smoke

        MARGE

        I don't know where my husband's gone MAGGIE

        He's probably re-upping? We're dry.

        MARGE

        This family used to smoke an ounce per day MAGGIE

        You don't think it's problematic to gauge our family's success by marijuana consumption?

        MARGE

        [exhales huge blunt hit] Go to bed.

        ABE

        This medicinal grade sure is good shit. I really like it.

        inhales from vapor whip

        ABE

        It eases my pain

        EXT. NIGHT

        MOE knocks over a trash can on the Simpsons' front lawn. MARGE

        comes out in a bathrobe

        MARGE

        Moe?

        MOE

        Where's your husband?

        MARGE

        You're drunk.

        MOE

        I'm drunk and I'm high.

        MARGE

        Go home, Moe.

        MOE

        I miss him so much.

        MARGE

        We don't know where he is.

        MOE

        Is he in trouble?

        MARGE

        Maybe. But if he is, I know he's doing it for our family.

        MOE

        He's such a good man.

        MARGE

        [smiling] He is... he is.

        MOE

        I can't drive like this.

        MARGE

        Come have a toke. I'll wake the kids.

        MARGE

        Sorry, all we have is spice from the gas station.

        MOE

        I don't smoke that crap.

        MARGE

        Too good for spice, are we?

        MOE

        I'm sorry about Bart.

        MARGE

        What about him?

        MOE

        You know... The whole Iraq thing.

        MARGE

        Bart will be fine. He's a survivor.

        BOB

        My guy will let us in the base tonight. We'll wait on this hill

        HOMER

        Let's smoke some more

        BOB

        Way ahead of you

        HOMER

        [exhales] I can see the whole facility BOB

        It's where I deal

        HOMER

        What are they doing to my son

        HOMER

        I've been letting my kid smoke weed since third grade. But was it right? He's too soft. He's not ready for this. I'm not either.

        HOMER

        I've been chiefing it since the 70s. I smoked to escape my parents fighting. Now I'm just as shitty as my old man.

        HOMER

        I fucked up.

        BOB

        Homer. Your son might not be the same when you see him

        HOMER

        I need to touch my kid

        BOB

        It might be difficult

        HOMER

        So what if he's different? I know when I pass him the piece that he's gonna be the same old Bart BOB

        They changed him

        HOMER

        Repack. We've bonded over the pipe for years, and you're telling me he won't enjoy it?

        BOB

        We don't know yet

        HOMER

        Do you think any acts of terror or weapons of mass destruction could stifle my boy's love for chronic?

        BOB

        I don't know him

        HOMER

        Well I do. We all do. Bart made us all laugh.

        BOB

        Tender Bart

        HOMER

        I love my fucking son

        SONIC

        You sell to me now.

        MOE

        I sell to anyone with money

        SONIC

        You only sell to me.

        MOE

        And if I don't?

        SONIC

        I'll fuck you up

        MOE

        I have people

        SONIC

        You don't seem to know who I am. Your people were mine before you were born

        MOE

        You're a kid

        SONIC

        I'll kill you

        MAGGIE

        I feel a terrible anxiety. I think something terrible is going to happen soon.

        LISA

        Hit this spice

        MAGGIE

        We're smoking spice now?

        LISA

        This used to be a great family.

        MARGE

        It still is, honey.

        LISA

        My brother is in Iraq. Dad's gone. We used to smoke an ounce a day.

        MARGE

        You need to trust your father. He always gets us through the tough times. You know this.

        LISA

        What if he's in over his head?

        MARGE

        Maybe he's in over his head. But we'll still have a roof over ours. Believe it.

        LISA

        He's a great man, isn't he?

        MARGE

        He is.

        BOB

        My man is coming

        HOMER

        I'm nervous

        BOB

        Chill. Keep toking it. He smokes too CONTACT

        You guys can come down. don't even worry. I'm friends with Mike.

        BOB

        Mike's a good guy

        CONTACT

        Mike saved my ass

        HOMER and CIRCUS BOB descend into camp HOMER

        My son. Where is he

        CONTACT

        Ask Mike

        HOMER

        Mike? Where is he

        MIKE

        He's in the rec room

        In rec room

        HOMER

        ...

        BOB

        Homer...

        HOMER

        This isn't my son

        A grotesque, muscular caricature of Bart is hanging out with a couple of jugheads, shooting the shit and drinking Millers HOMER

        I don't even recognize him without a bong in his hand

        MIKE

        He hasn't noticed us yet BOB

        The kid's wasted

        HOMER

        Son.

        BART, surprised: Father? What the fuck? Why are...how?

        HOMER

        What the fuck did they do to you..I'm going to cry.

        MIKE

        Get this guy some herb

        BART

        I don't want that shit around me HOMER

        Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

        BART

        You heard me father

        BART

        I'm a grown ass man. I'm here. Fighting for my-for YOUR fucking life. I can't sit around all day smoking kush. Not anymore.

        BART

        I need clarity of mind, high reaction time, if I'm lifted out there, when it's either me or some terrorist, I'm a fucking goner.

        BART

        This is for you, father. This is for our family. I think of you guys every time I turn down the hashish pipe.

        BART

        I know you're anti-war. I was too. But this is what I have to be. I'm here for a reason. I met their demands. Now meet mine and leave.

        HOMER

        I came here for you

        BART

        Why? So you could get me high and show me SNL Web Shorts?

        HOMER

        You love lasercats.

        BART

        I love America

        HOMER

        I want out. I was doing this for my son. That man is not my son.

        BOB

        Out? There is no out. You're in until we move these bricks

        HOMER

        Let me call my wife

        BOB

        Why don't you pray instead?

        HOMER

        You're a monster

        BOB

        I'm an entrepreneur

        HOMER

        My son

        BOB

        I don't care

        HOMER

        [aside] What have I done? I'm in Iraq. My son is a mindless killing machine. My life is so fucked up.

        BOB

        What?

        HOMER

        Nothing.

        LISA

        It's been weeks. Where is father?

        MARGE

        I don't know... I dont know.

        LISA

        We're running low on spice. Soon we'll be smoking salvia.

        MARGE

        He will provide for us.

        LISA

        What if he left the family?

        MARGE

        You're out of kush for 3 weeks and you lose faith in your father?

        HOMER

        Bart... talk to me, son. Why did you change?

        BART

        Do you want to know what I do for fun now, father?

        I shoot dogs in the street.

        HOMER

        You used to be a peaceful boy.

        BART

        Now I am a man of war.

        HOMER

        You're a ghost.

        BART

        Go smoke your pot you pathetic addict HOMER

        You've lost faith in yourself, boy. You've lost faith in humanity.

        BART

        I've lost faith in my depraved weed smoking father HOMER

        You were going to teach me how to game BART

        Don't even.

        HOMER

        You were going to teach me Project Gotham Racing 4

        BART

        You have time for that now? I have blood on my hands, father. I can't go back to that life.

        HOMER

        We want to make you whole again HOMER

        Come home, Bart. Toke with me, Maggie, Lisa, Ken.

        We'll be waiting for you with a freshly packed bowl.

        BART

        Al Qaeda would love that

        HOMER

        These soldiers...they aren't your friends.

        BART

        You're right. They're my family.

        HOMER

        I'm your family.

        BART

        You're a drug addict.

        HOMER

        Weed isn't addictive.

        BART

        That's why the whole family is blazed 24/7?

        HOMER

        I provide for that family.

        BART

        You're a pusher

        HOMER

        They smoke weed because they choose to. I don't force anyone to toke.

        BART

        You use weed to make people love you.

        HOMER

        Stop it.

        BART

        You deny it?

        HOMER

        You have it backwards. I provide dank kush because I love my family.

        BART

        You're fucking delusional, Homer.

        LISA

        I miss the golden days when we had piles of fluffy dro to blaze

        MAGGIE

        Our family is engulfed by darkness.

        LISA

        There is a shadow over the Simpson household.

        MAGGIE

        Where is father? Where is brother?

        LISA

        I don't want to smoke this salvia.

        MAGGIE

        We have to. I need to smoke.

        LISA

        Are we drug addicts?

        MAGGIE

        We're recreational smokers.

        LISA

        What has our father done to us?

        MAGGIE

        He provided for us.

        LISA

        Past tense? Do you think he's gone?

        MAGGIE

        Shut up and hit this fucking salvia blunt. Let's blaze

        LISA

        [exhales] I hate it. The world is getting darker.

        MAGGIE

        I feel like I'm in a nightmare

        LISA

        I want to die.

        MAGGIE

        This salvia trip is a far cry from the luxurious purp we used to smoke daily.

        LISA

        The walls are closing in.

        MAGGIE

        I miss Bart.

        MARGE

        [looking out of kitchen window] Where is my husband? I feel that I should go to the police.

        MARGE

        As the last remnant of THC leaves my system, the graveness of our family's situation occurs to me.

        How was I so naive?

        HOMER

        Bart... Think about when you took that first hit of purp. Don't you miss it?

        BART

        I get the same high from killing.

        HOMER

        No...

        BART

        Some of the guys here can't handle it. It comes naturally to me. I was born to kill.

        HOMER

        You were born to smoke.

        HOMER

        You ghosted it on your first hit. You're a natural weed smoker. All the Simpsons are.

        BART

        Maybe that's true. But I'm a soldier now.

        MOE

        There is a darkness over the Simpson household.

        LENNY

        The father and the son have disappeared.

        CARL

        We pray for their safe return.

        MOE

        The weed smoke dissipates to reveal a broken family.

        LENNY

        The wife despairs.

        CARL

        The children smoke stale salvia.

        ABE

        Today my Social Security check arrived. Homer is always here for a handout.

        LEO

        Could have forgotten.

        ABE

        My son despises me.

        at the bank]

        ABE

        Have a nice day

        FLANDERS enters]

        FLANDERS

        Hey man have you seen Homer? Springfield is dry as a bone

        ABE

        No. I am afraid

        FLANDERS

        We can pray

        ABE

        Oh yeah

        FLANDERS

        Pray this roach will get us high [sparks up]

        ABE

        We can't do that here

        BART

        [aside] My father pleads for my return. It hurts me to mistreat him, but I cannot bring my darkness back to that peaceful household.

        BART

        I kill for my country. But why should I serve a country that asks me to kill? It doesn't matter. I cannot take back what I have done.

        BART

        All I can do now is spare my family. If I return to Springfield a wave of misery will tear apart my family. This suffering is mine.

        BART

        I am physically and mentally scarred. I seem tough, but inside I still long for a home I know I can never return to.

        BART

        Perhaps in heaven, if such a thing exists, these memories and crimes would be washed away and I could rejoin my peaceful family.

        BART

        Heaven... Heaven. I don't think I am bound for that place. For me it will be hell or darkness.

        BOB

        Hash? Got hash, oil, dabs,

        HOMER

        My son is gone. He is dead. He is alive but he is dead.

        BOB

        I need to move these bricks of hash by Tuesday.

        Let's go

        MARGE

        That's the last time I saw him.

        WIGGUM

        Marge, Homer was seen with Bob... An international drug dealer with ties to Al Qaeda.

        MARGE

        He's involved with Al Qaeda?

        WIGGUM

        We have no reason to believe that MARGE

        My God

        WIGGUM

        Calm down

        MARGE

        Oh God

        WIGGUM

        Hit this

        HOMER

        I moved your hash, now I want to go home.

        BOB

        We have a flight out of Baghdad tomorrow morning.

        But first I need to see a friend.

        HOMER

        Can I say goodbye to my son?

        BOB

        There's no time.

        HOMER

        Bob, please.

        BOB

        [lifts shirt, revealing 9mm tucked into waistband]

        HOMER

        This was a mistake.

        BOB

        It was your mistake. You have to deal with the consequences.

        HOMER

        I should have never come to Iraq MARGE

        My Homer wouldn't get involved with terrorism. He loves his country.

        WIGGUM

        Ma'am, he loves getting high. There's a difference.

        SONIC

        So this is all mine now?

        BURNS

        yes sonic

        SONIC

        Even the spliff?

        BURNS

        the facility and all its contents are yours SONIC

        I used to create problems with my friends BURNS

        You upset them

        SONIC

        Now I create jobs for America

        BURNS

        Show them who's #1

        LENNY and CARL, aside]: The war is fought on both fronts. In the battlefield and at our home economy BARNEY

        Im tripping on this nutmeg

        LISA

        I can't keep tripping face on this sal. I need an ounce of schwag or something.

        BENDER

        I got the shittiest brick in town LISA

        my dad gave me fluffy stuff BENDER

        Your old man? Your old man is selling to the other side.

        LISA

        homer doesn't deal

        MARGE

        What has my husband gotten involved in? The police say he may be in Iraq. To save our son from war?

        Or worse?

        LISA

        Do you remember the times we spent in this gazebo?

        MAGGIE

        Our father built it.

        LISA

        We filled it with weed smoke daily.

        MAGGIE

        He's gone now.

        LISA

        He will return.

        MAGGIE

        You believe that?

        LISA

        We will hotbox this gazebo again.

        MAGGIE

        You have faith in him.

        LISA

        He was faithful.

        MAGGIE

        Through marijuana he found Christ.

        LISA

        And so did we.

        LISA

        And how does our brother fare?

        MAGGIE

        I fear he may be lost

        LISA

        In the desert of Iraq?

        MAGGIE

        The deserts of violence and alcohol HOMER

        I was a good father. I shouldn't be in Iraq BOB

        A good father doesn't sell hash in Iraq HOMER

        But... my son

        BOB

        You're a joke.

        MARGE

        Maggie, Lisa, Ken. I have news about father.

        CHILDREN

        Please, please.

        MARGE

        He's in Iraq. He went after Bart. He's in big trouble.

        MAGGIE

        Why?

        MARGE

        He's with a drug dealer who may be involved with Al Qaeda.

        LISA

        Did he help Bart?

        MARGE

        I don't think so.

        MAGGIE

        Bart made a promise to his country.

        LISA

        Can it with the patriotic stuff, Mags.

        MARGE

        I thought you were against the war.

        MAGGIE

        Some wars are necessary.

        LISA

        Not this one.

        MARGE

        That's enough.

        LISA

        It will never be enough.

        MAGGIE

        Bart is brave.

        LISA

        He didn't want to fight. He just wanted to blaze and chill.

        MAGGIE

        He's fighting for our right to blaze and chill.

        LISA

        And how's that working out for you? Since Bart and father left, we've been smoking resin.

        MAGGIE

        The resin isn't even that bad.

        LISA

        Did we ever smoke resin when our father was here?

        We used to smoke an ounce a day.

        MAGGIE

        My brother is a hero. Fuck your ounce.

        MARGE

        Language! Language.

        MAGGIE

        Sorry.

        MARGE

        Your heart is in the right place but I don't like

        the language

        LISA

        I want my family back

        LISA

        How free are you going to be when we have to bury Bart before his 20th birthday?

        MARGE

        Enough.

        MAGGIE

        I'm out of here.

        MOE

        You sure you can move two pounds a week?

        KEN

        I have no choice.

        MOE

        You're a brave boy.

        KEN

        I must redeem my broken family.

        LENNY

        The younger son takes action.

        CARL

        He wants to restore his family's glory.

        MOE

        His rise will change everything.

        BOB

        It's time for you to meet my friend.

        HOMER

        I want to go home

        BOB smacks homer across the mouth BOB

        Get out of the car.

        BOB and HOMER enter a mansion. Bricks of hash everywhere

        HOMER

        Where are we?

        MILHOUSE

        Hello Homer.

        HOMER

        My son's friend Milhouse?

        MILHOUSE

        It's me.

        HOMER

        What are you doing in Iraq?

        MILHOUSE

        I'm the main hash supplier for Al Qaeda HOMER

        That's insane

        MILHOUSE

        Is it so insane? Any more insane that you find your own self in this wild land?

        HOMER

        I came here for my son.

        MILHOUSE

        Sure.

        MILHOUSE

        We all came here for someting. I came here to do IT work for a military contractor. Now look at me.

        This place changes people.

        HOMER

        I don't want to change. I like you am.

        MILHOUSE

        You'll change. I'll make you change.

        HOMER

        What does that mean?

        BOB

        Enough questions, Simpson.

        MILHOUSE

        He's fine. Shut up, Bob.

        BOB

        Sorry.

        MILHOUSE

        Roll the grownups a hash blunt and go the hell away

        HOMER

        [exhales huge hit]

        MILHOUSE

        How's the hash.

        HOMER

        It's... it's really good.

        MILHOUSE

        [smiles] I know.

        HOMER

        It's chocolatey

        MILHOUSE

        And you're telling me you don't want to be a part of this? HOMER: A part of what?

        MILHOUSE

        This place. Iraq. Paradise.

        HOMER

        I have a family.

        MILHOUSE

        I have unlimited weed.

        HOMER

        Damn

        MILHOUSE

        Yeah.

        HOMER

        That sounds good.

        MILHOUSE

        It is good, Homer.

        HOMER

        [aside] The promise of endless pleasure. But my family at home. What would they do without me? I can't do this. I must leave Iraq.

        MARGE

        My husband mingles with mujahideen thousands of miles from home. How I hope that his intentions are noble. This family needs him.

        MAGGIE

        My brother is a hero. My father is a coward. Both have left the family, but only one has intentions of restoring our family's honor MAGGIE picks up the phone

        KEN

        Mags... it's Ken

        MAGGIE

        Ken? I don't recognize the number.

        KEN

        I'm in jail, sis. I'm facing 10 years.

        MAGGIE

        My god... for what? What did you do?

        KEN

        I was trying to help.

        MAGGIE

        Ken, what did you do?

        KEN

        I shot a guy.

        MAGGIE

        Ken... Ken, why?

        KEN

        It's a long story. I was selling dank for Moe and it got complicated.

        KEN

        The guy is fine but I'm facing an assault charge.

        I didn't have any product on me but that's the least of my problems now.

        KEN

        I'm being remanded. I won't be able to see anybody until my trial. I'm sorry. I just wanted to help the family.

        MAGGIE

        [sobbing]

        KEN

        I have to go. [hangs up]

        MAGGIE

        This family that was once united by dank buds has been torn apart by those same buds. God forgive us.

        SONIC

        You call these nugs? Haha what have you been smoking?

        SMITHERS

        Pot

        SONIC

        I know.

        SONIC

        where did you get these regs?

        SMITHERS

        it's spice

        SONIC

        This is regular grade weed.

        SMITHERS

        Bender deals brown bud

        SONIC

        I thought Bob chased Bender away?

        SMITHERS

        Bob is in Iraq with Homer

        SONIC

        homer is brave.

        SMITHERS

        he's strong

        SONIC

        Bender is pushing in my neighborhood SMITHERS

        Are regulars a threat?

        SONIC

        All potsmokers are threats to me and society SMITHERS

        You smoke too

        SONIC

        I want to fuck this town up

        SMITHERS

        You're a kid

        SONIC

        fuck this. I'm going to kick your entire ass FLANDERS

        The Simpson boy... I had a feeling you'd end up here, someday. We all do. Whats up neighbor?

        KEN

        I don't want to talk about it.

        FLANDERS

        Fuck pigs man.

        KEN

        [silence]

        FLANDERS

        I was tokin' in a bank. Wasn't the first time, sure as hell won't be the last.

        INT. MILLHOUSE's garage

        HOMER

        I need to save my son. I need to go home. I need to end this war myself. But first I need to hit this brick

        HOMER

        Millhouse

        MILLHOUSE

        Yes, Homer?

        HOMER

        What if you could rule this desert MILLHOUSE

        I do.

        HOMER

        But officially?

        MILLHOUSE

        That's impossible. They don't even vote here HOMER

        We can bring democracy to the Iraqi people

        [repacks bowl]

        HOMER

        You have connections right?

        MILLHOUSE

        Obviously

        HOMER

        Can you arrange a meeting with the man?

        MILLHOUSE

        ...Him?

        HOMER

        Yes

        MILLHOUSE

        I think I can do that

        HOMER

        Does he smoke?

        MILLHOUSE

        President George Bush? He smokes weed all fucking day.

        HOMER

        Nice

        HOMER

        I knew I voted for the right guy.

        MILLHOUSE

        Cool

        HOMER

        He's good

        MILLHOUSE

        I guess. Also, it's not a microphone HOMER

        Sorry

        MILHOUSE

        Bob can't know

        HOMER

        Bob doesn't know his five chambers from his sixes MILHOUSE

        Harsh

        HOMER

        Fuck Bob

        MILHOUSE

        George Walker Bush will be in Iran tomorrow HOMER

        We're in Iraq

        MILHOUSE

        Iran is similar

        HOMER

        I'm going to smoke with Bush

        HOMER

        [aside] This war has reached its zenith. I can ascend politics using my historical materialist outlook and bring this to a close INT. Iranian Embassy

        HOMER

        I'm nervous

        MILHOUSE

        I know this guy well

        HOMER

        What if he knows I deal

        MILHOUSE

        He smokes

        HOMER

        Oh yeah

        HOMER

        Should I roll a blunt before we see him? Is it courteous?

        MILHOUSE

        Roll bush at least a courtesy J

        HOMER

        J's are lightweight shit

        MILHOUSE

        George Bush is a heavyweight, expert smoker HOMER

        I'm glad he's in our whitehouse MILHOUSE

        I have problems with him

        HOMER

        He's chill and smokes, and he's fighting for us MILHOUSE

        I disagree with the war, and his tax cuts HOMER

        You hate free enterprise?

        MILHOUSE

        Competition is fine when it's fair HOMER

        It's fair to us all. The American dream is real MILHOUSE

        Bush smokes too much

        HOMER

        Forget it.

        MILHOUSE

        Bush can receive us now

        HOMER

        He better hit this shit hard

        MILHOUSE

        Business first

        HOMER

        No

        HOMER

        I'm going to light up right now MILHOUSE

        Wait till he's ready

        HOMER

        I'll blow weed in Bush's face

        MILHOUSE

        Don't

        DOOR opens

        BUSH

        Milhouse! It's been ages my dear boy!

        MILLHOUSE

        I have two L's now

        BUSH

        Since when?

        MILLHOUSE

        I roll two L's a day

        BUSH

        Good one

        MILLHOUSE

        Thanks

        HOMER

        That was nice

        BUSH

        Who's that?

        MILLHOUSE

        A fellow toker and a thinking man BUSH

        We're smoking?

        HOMER

        I rolled a blunt

        BUSH

        Hash or green?

        HOMER

        Green

        BUSH

        Thank god. This desert dank is hurting my throat HOMER

        It's the same for me

        BUSH

        First hit?

        HOMER

        It's all yours

        BUSH

        Business first

        HOMER

        [aside] This is shady

        MILLHOUSE

        Pass it to the left

        BUSH

        Homer, your turn

        HOMER

        This shit is fucking soaked

        MILLHOUSE

        He got spit on it?

        HOMER

        I fucked up

        HOMER

        This was a bad idea. I'm leaving BUSH

        I'm sorry

        HOMER

        It's nasty

        BUSH

        I have cotton mouth

        HOMER

        I thought you were chill

        BUSH

        I'm chill. I'm sorry. I'll roll a new one. I'll smoke that one

        HOMER

        Give me your best dro

        BUSH

        I smoke only the best. You know Moe?

        HOMER

        Moe ruined my life

        MILLHOUSE

        Moe is a snake

        BUSH

        Moe has never wronged me

        HOMER

        Moe cut me off

        BUSH

        ....That's fucked.

        HOMER

        I'm here for a reason

        BUSH

        What?

        HOMER

        I want to end this war

        BUSH

        I'm too high for this hahaha

        BUSH

        I want to listen to Shuggie Otis HOMER

        What the fuck?

        MILLHOUSE

        Shut the fuck up and stay on topic BUSH

        Too late

        HOMER

        This guy sucks

        MILLHOUSE

        He's normally better

        HOMER

        Did we get him too high?

        MILLHOUSE

        I warned you

        HOMER

        Shoulda rolled a J

        HOMER

        You're holding out. You know more than you're telling

        BUSH

        I don't

        HOMER

        You're dodging the issue

        BUSH

        Stop

        HOMER

        Where are they?

        BUSH

        Where are what?

        HOMER

        The WMDs. The cause of this war BUSH

        that's....

        HOMER

        Confidential? Right

        BUSH

        Don't narc on me

        HOMER

        Don't use the lingo with me, lightweight BUSH

        There are no weapons. Just massive pools of hash oil

        HOMER

        I knew it

        BUSH

        We've extracted enough. But we can't end the war.

        It's too sensitive

        HOMER

        How?

        BUSH

        He has prisoners

        HOMER

        Saddam?

        H

        Saddam.

        HOMER

        Casualties of war are inevitable. This is your doing, own up to it. You sent your pawns in to this mess to be torn apart

        HOMER

        War is the only constant in history. In this modern era, the thirst of capital cannot be

        quenched with mere blood or oil HOMER

        You didn't create this system. But you propagate it. I see now. Millhouse is right. You're a bad person. Imperialism is wrong

        BUSH

        Imperialism is just a word. The desire to expand is part of the human nature

        HOMER

        Human nature? Don't make me laugh.

        HOMER

        Since the dawn of industrialization you people have treated your citizens as cogs in the machine of profit [Lights blunt]

        HOMER

        [holding in smoke] The wealth gap is staggering.

        And all you care about is [exhales] money.

        BUSH

        But I-

        HOMER

        Can it

        BUSH

        Why did I skip Marx studies?

        MILLHOUSE

        And Engels

        BUSH

        Engels is over my head

        HOMER

        I voted for this false-stoner.

        BUSH

        But we can't end the war

        HOMER

        Why?

        BUSH

        He has your son

        HOMER

        Bart? What?

        BUSH

        No. Not Bart

        HOMER

        ....

        MILLHOUSE

        ....

        BUSH

        My intel man is calling. I'll put him on speaker.

        MAN

        Ken has been kidnapped by Al-Qaeda.

        BUSH

        Is he safe?

        MAN

        The terrorists are waterboarding Ken HOMER

        How'd they get their hands on him?

        BUSH

        Our prison system is corrupt

        HOMER

        Tell me about it

        BUSH

        i will, later, let's chief

        HOMER

        The blunt is still lit?

        BUSH

        Let me get a hit

        HOMER

        Gross, no.

        HOMER

        How the fuck can I save my son?

        BUSH

        One of your sons is ablebodied

        HOMER

        Bart isn't chill anymore

        MILHOUSE

        It's true

        BUSH

        The kid stopped toking?

        HOMER

        It's your own military practice that did this BUSH

        I fucked up.

        BART stands outside of Iraqi whitehouse, amidst a pile of corpses

        BART

        I made it this far. There's no going back. Here I come, Ken.

        BART

        I'm too good at this. I'm scarring myself. I shoot people like it's nothing. Am I even doing this for Ken? Or my own sick pleasure?

        BART

        No. Ken sucks. This is all for me. This blood wasn't spilled for my brother or my country. This is for me.

        BART

        I've turned into a monster and I fucking love it.

        Love? That's a strong word. I only feel hatred.

        For everyone.

        BART

        This place has a decent back yard. Saddam must be out there chilling. Here I come, motherfucking Hussein.

        EXT. Iraqi Whitehouse, back yard. A gazebo sits in the center.

        Smoke billows out. It evokes memories of home in young Bart BART

        shit...

        BART approaches the gazebo BART

        I'm shaking. I'm scared. Should I turn back? Is this a sign? He's toking in there. I know it.

        INT. Gazebo, walls plastered with Marley memorabilia and roadsigns

        BART

        This layout....

        A shadow sits in the corner, hitting a bong VOICE

        You've made it

        BART

        Saddam Hussein. World villain.

        SADDAM

        I've done nothing wrong. I did it for my people BART

        You attacked mine.

        SADDAM

        I know you won't see it my way. I accept my death.

        I've been waiting for this.

        BART

        I'll do it with pleasure, you sick fuck.

        SADDAM

        This Gazebo. It's one of the only two like it in the world. Built of the finest hemp BART

        I don't know shit about construction SADDAM

        But you know about life, Bart

        BART

        I know only about killing.

        SADDAM

        Death is part of life.

        BART

        Shut the fuck up, I'll kill you SADDAM

        You will. I saw it

        BART

        You're talking nonsense you crazy fucking stoner SADDAM smiles.

        SADDAM

        Don't you recognize it, Bart?

        BART

        No

        SADDAM

        You do. Admit it

        BART

        It's from someone else's life. It's not mine.

        SADDAM

        You feel like a different person now?

        BART

        I am not a person. I'm a machine of the state.

        SADDAM

        Machines have organs

        SADDAM

        You're the same being that you always were. With different perception.

        BART

        You're high

        SADDAM

        I'm right.

        BART

        This has gone on too fucking long. I'm going to end this.

        SADDAM

        Go ahead. But let me get one last toke.

        BART

        Fine. I own't deny it.

        SADDAM

        Why don't you hit it?

        SADDAM reveals a crystal bong traced with golden elephants BART

        That bong is racist

        SADDAM

        It's magic

        BART

        I'll play your game. You think one hit will affect my aim? You think I won't put a bullet in your head?

        SADDAM

        I embrace death

        SADDAM

        And this is no game. I've longed to smoke weed with the man who will kill me, since I was a boy BART

        You're twisted

        SADDAM casually holds out bong, as a friend. BART accepts it, with shaking hands

        SADDAM

        Toke on it

        BART

        I am

        BART takes massive hit, and cannot properly clear the smoke from the piece

        BART

        I'm rusty

        SADDAM

        I can't even see through the smoke hah BART

        This changes nothing.

        SADDAM

        Sit down next to me. You can keep your gun out.

        BART

        I need to sit

        SADDAM

        Tell me why

        BART

        No

        SADDAM

        Why do you need to sit

        BART

        I'm...

        SADDAM

        Say it

        BART

        I'm blazed out of my fucking mind SADDAM]

        [laughing] Cool

        BART

        I have a Gazebo just like this at home SADDAM

        I know

        BART

        How?

        SADDAM

        I used to build them

        BART

        What?

        SADDAM

        I built yours too

        BART

        Why the fuck?

        SADDAM

        I really appreciate hemp as an alternative building material. I can send you articles BART

        But why ours?

        SADDAM

        The perfect smoking hangout. A palace fit for only the most hardcore pothead

        BART

        We're nothing special

        SADDAM

        I disagree

        SADDAM

        Never has herb brought a family as close together as it does yours.

        BART

        We have issues

        SADDAM

        We all do.

        BART

        It ruined us

        SADDAM

        Self-criticism ruined you. If you smoke freely and without care, love will grow

        BART

        How did you know us

        SADDAM

        I..

        BART

        Tell me

        SADDAM

        I'm a moderator on the Grasscity forums BART

        What?

        SADDAM

        TokeMahal49

        BART

        That's you?

        SADDAM

        I've talked to your dad on IRC for years. We post together

        BART

        You're a terrorist

        SADDAM

        I'm just a lonely stoner

        SADDAM

        All these years I've had this gazebo, and you're the first to ever smoke with me in it BART

        I'm getting too lifted

        SADDAM

        I want you to take another hit. I want you to exhale through your ironsights as you fire the bullet

        BART

        I shouldn't do it

        SADDAM

        I am a bad man. Don't let yourself waver. I had to do one good thing before I left.

        BART

        You knocked the towers down...

        BART lifts his rifle to Saddam's dome. He takes a massive, multi-chambered hit, a tear forms in his eye, and he pulls the trigger

        BART

        Goodbye you beautiful bastard.... I guess I should find my worthless brother Ken now. Hope he's not fucking dead.

        MARGE

        Turn on the news. Bart has done something wonderful.

        MAGGIE

        Do you see, Lisa? He was a hero all along.

        LISA

        It's complex.

        LISA

        He took a man's life.

        MAGGIE

        He attacked our country.

        LISA

        His connection to Al Qaeda was never proven.

        MAGGIE

        Unlike our father.

        LISA

        We don't know all the facts

        MAGGIE

        You're ignorant

        LISA

        You're blinded by hate.

        MARGE

        [aside] I need to get high so bad MARGE

        Moe, please, I'm begging you. Front me an eighth until next week.

        MOE

        And what happens next week? You're fucking unemployed.

        MARGE

        Bart killed Saddam. He's going to get a big bonus from the Army.

        MOE

        You're not going to see a dime of that money. He owes me.

        MARGE

        Moe, please. We're desperate. My family is falling apart.

        MOE

        I don't front perfectly good purp to degenerate drug addicts.

        MARGE

        Just let me have a ball of resin. Please. For old times' sake.

        MOE

        Get the fuck out of my bar before I call the cops.

        MARGE

        [sobs]

        WIGGUM

        Miss... Misses Simpson?

        MARGE

        Young Wiggum... Please... You know my son. I just need a gram to get me through the week.

        WIGGUM

        Dad! Come here!

        WIGGUM

        Marge? What the hell are you doing here?

        MARGE

        I need to blaze. My family needs to blaze.

        WIGGUM

        I'm a fucking police officer, Marge. You can't come to my house with this crap.

        MARGE

        I'm desperate.

        WIGGUM

        Go home to your kids.

        CARL

        The family torn apart by drugs and war.

        LENNY

        The wife and daughters struggle.

        MOE

        When will the father return?

        LISA

        When will you see that war has destroyed this family?

        MAGGIE

        Drugs have destroyed this family. Bart is our only hope.

        LISA

        The best hope for a peaceful family is a ruthless killer?

        MAGGIE

        Shame on you for speaking of your brother like that.

        MARGE

        Sir, please... you knew my husband.

        SONIC

        Lady I couldn't fuckin' stand your husband. But have a dub sack on me. Now be gone.

        MARGE

        Oh thank you... thank you. You've saved my family, sir. Thank you.

        SONIC

        Christ, lady it's just mids. Calm down MARGE

        Maggie! Lisa! Look! I got a dub sack! After we smoke it we can scrape the resin.

        LISA

        Don't you see? It's not about the weed anymore MAGGIE

        We called the embassy in Iraq. They're bringing father home

        MARGE

        What about Bart?

        LISA

        He signed a 10 year contract with the army MARGE

        He WHAT?!

        MAGGIE

        They need him over there. Saddam wasn't the only evil man in that tumultuous region.

        LISA

        Maggie is right.

        LISA

        Bart can do more in the Middle East than he could ever do back home with us.

        MAGGIE

        He's never going to be the same.

        MARGE

        My boy...

        MAGGIE

        He's a man now. You need to understand that.

        LISA

        He's a killer... but I've come to accept it MARGE

        Sorry but who has the grinder?

        LISA

        I can just crumble it. I don't know where the--

        MAGGIE

        Oh yeah, Apu had it.

        LISA

        Oh.

        MARGE

        Just crumble it by hand, that's fine.

        MAGGIE

        Where did you get this autumn leaf looking nasty ass weed?

        MARGE

        From Mr. Sonic.

        MAGGIE drops the blunt

        MAGGIE

        What?!

        MAGGIE

        Mr. Sonic is a cold and unscrupulous business magnate. He has an ulterior motive for giving you this free weed.

        MARGE

        Shit.

        LISA

        There's no such thing as free weed.

        MAGGIE

        You should know this.

        MARGE

        I didn't start smoking until I was like 35.

        LISA

        Whoa.

        WILLIE

        This town's been fucking dead for 2 months SKYNARD

        It's shit here anymore

        WILLIE

        I fucking hate this weedless town WILLIE

        I used to smoke every day with these brats, now I have to beg them for a hit of res SKYNARD

        Kids are different now.

        WLLIE

        Here I am, I'm smoking leftover shit from a nine year old, and I'm loving it

        SKINNER

        Bart left us in hell

        WILLIE

        I'm sober

        MARGE

        [exhales] I'm actually pretty high off this schwag

        LISA

        It's a body high

        MAGGIE

        My legs are spasming. I think I hear gunshots.

        MARGE

        She's freaking out

        LISA

        Her guilt is getting to her

        MAGGIE

        I celebrated a killer.

        LISA

        He's still our brother. He was forced into that deadly profession.

        MARGE

        [exhales huge blunt hit] What the hell are you talking about

        MAGGIE, MARGE, and LISA silently smoke the rest of the blunt MOE

        The young women have found temporary relief.

        CARL

        A couple of grams won't be enough.

        LENNY

        The familial serenity will not last.

        SKINNER

        We need bart

        WILLIE

        He was a ruckus. And a stoner

        SKINNER

        He didn't finish his GED

        WILLIE

        Will he be trapped here?

        SKINNER

        Bart will restore this school's honor

        WILLIE

        The super attendant is on your case SKINNER

        I can't smoke spice anymore

        WILLIE

        same

        WILLIE

        Bart signed up for ten years

        SKINNER

        There's no way we can make him come home?

        WILLIE

        That's against the law.

        SKINNER

        The law means nothing in this hellhole WILLIE

        Good riddance to Springfield

        SKINNER

        I'll bring it back

        WILLIE

        Springfield hell.

        SONIC

        Itch and Scratch don't make me laugh anymore SMITHERS

        You're lame now. Pass it.

        SONIC

        Without Simpson clan, Springfield falls MARGE

        The plane has arrived.

        LISA

        I hope we can get the taxi soon.

        MAGGIE

        Father returns

        MARGE

        Will he have bud?

        LISA

        Is Ken with father?

        MARGE

        Ken doesn't get mentioned in this fucking house LISA

        Mom, you're serious

        MARGE

        I'm dry as a bone

        INT. Airport

        HOMER enters

        HOMER

        [somber] I bring bad news to my family.

        MARGE

        You forgot to pack the herb?

        HOMER

        No. I have three pounds

        MARGE

        Where's my son?

        HOMER

        Ken got held up

        MARGE

        I'll wait for him

        MAGGIE

        Ken won't make it back alive

        LISA

        He's weak.

        HOMER

        After son Bart found him, they fought. Ken ran into the desert

        MARGE

        I don't want to discuss this LISA

        Tell me more

        HOMER

        No

        HOMER

        I listen only to my wonderful wife MAGGIE

        Dad's lust for mom is increased by hash usage LISA

        Hash saved their marriage

        MAGGIE

        Tell us about the Ken's fight

        HOMER

        I can't discuss it, but I'll illustrate it.

        http://t.co/RMySzvV7mc

        MAGGIE

        Ah. A counter-clockwise passer

        HOMER

        He wouldn't pass to the left

        MARGE

        Where did we go wrong with him?

        HOMER

        Let's spark.

        MAGGIE

        In an airport?

        LISA

        The attacks...

        HOMER

        It's good now. I fixed it.

        MARGE

        Bart did

        HOMER

        I met Bush

        MARGE

        Bush didn't do shit. My son saved this globe.

        MAGGIE

        Bush hid the facts

        LISA

        Bush is a paper tiger

        HOMER

        Bush is chill

        MARGE

        What happened to Bush?

        HOMER

        Bush got too fucking high for his own good MAGGIE

        Our own president?

        HOMER

        Bush is a lightweight.

        HOMER

        He coughed directly into the bong MARGE

        No discipline

        HOMER

        He blew the weed out of the Slider Piece MAGGIE

        I voted for this pig.

        HOMER

        I convinced Bush to end the war.

        MARGE

        We don't need the oil.

        MAGGIE

        Why is Bart still there?

        HOMER

        It's complex.

        MARGE

        How high did our president get on weed?

        HOMER

        He was blazed so hard that he...

        MAGGIE

        No..

        HOMER

        Yes

        LISA

        He forgot Poland?

        HOMER

        Can we go the fuck home and smoke pot?

        MARGE

        I want the dro first

        LISA

        I want to try the hashish brick HOMER

        I'll roll two.

        INT. Simpson Home. Baked.

        MARGE

        are we going to talk about Bart?

        HOMER

        I just invited Apu

        LISA

        Apu can't party

        HOMER

        Apu goes hard

        MARGE

        I'm serious Homer

        HOMER

        I missed this fucking place LISA

        We've been in hell dad

        MAGGIE

        We smoked Salvia

        HOMER

        What?

        HOMER

        You let our kids trip on Sal?

        MARGE

        We were desperate.

        HOMER

        Salvia? Marge, are you fucking kidding me?

        MARGE begins sobbing

        LISA

        It's legal shit, father.

        HOMER

        You got the shit part right.

        MARGE

        You left us

        HOMER

        Our son. Our beautiful fucking son.

        MARGE

        You didn't bring him back. You gave the president first hit and you forgot our son.

        HOMER

        Our president slobbers on the blunt MARGE

        What the fuck did you even DO over there?

        HOMER

        I pushed Bob's brick.

        MARGE

        Homer...

        LISA

        That's dirty.

        APU

        Hello

        HOMER

        Hey Apu

        APU

        I'm here to blaze

        HOMER

        We have three pieces packed

        APU

        Hash for me

        HOMER

        Keep it. I'm sick of brick.

        APU

        I'm already uncomfortable.

        HOMER

        Just chill.

        APU

        Why did you invite me...you just got home HOMER

        I want to get twisted

        APU

        I carry Four Lokos in my shop.

        HOMER

        Did you bring any?

        APU

        Only the watermelon flavor.

        HOMER

        Toss me one

        LISA

        Father?

        HOMER

        Sometimes a father needs to drink a Four Loko to deal with his weed-bumming kids MAGGIE

        You just got home.

        HOMER

        Home? ...Bart....

        HOMER gazes wistfully at the Gazebo HOMER

        That place is off limits

        MARGE

        But hot boxing the Gazebo is efficient HOMER

        Not without Bart.

        APU

        I really don't want to be here for this. I have shit to do

        HOMER

        You'll stay in my house and smoke my fucking weed for free.

        APU

        Hard to turn down purps and brick HOMER

        Lay off my brick. You're killing it.

        APU

        Your son is a killer, too.

        HOMER

        Apu. I don't need your shit. You're acting like Sonic.

        APU

        I'm a grown man

        HOMER

        You're acting just like him

        APU

        Sorry.

        MARGE

        Can we talk? In private?

        APU

        What? Why. That's weird.

        MARGE

        I was talking to Homer.

        MAGGIE

        I don't want Apu to witness this.

        HOMER

        Anything you can say to me, you can say to Apu.

        APU

        Please don't do this.

        HOMER

        Apu, please go talk to my wife in private.

        MARGE

        Homer. Why are you doing this?

        HOMER

        Apu can relay your bullshit message to me APU

        I'm having a panic attack.

        HOMER

        Take another hit. Go and whisper with my wife.

        APU

        Homer. I'm freaking the fuck out.

        HOMER

        My wife has a soothing voice

        APU

        It's cramped in here.

        HOMER

        We have a finished basement.

        APU

        I'm not going there

        HOMER

        Marge. Lead him there.

        MARGE

        What the fuck?

        INT. Basement

        MARGE

        Apu. I need to know what happened in Iraq.

        APU

        I need to leave

        MARGE

        Apu...

        APU

        Please?

        MARGE

        Ask my husband where our son is. And why he's doing this

        APU

        I'm not doing that

        MARGE

        We smoke you out and you do this?

        APU

        I haven't had kush in months. I can't handle this right now

        MARGE

        I have regs to calm you down.

        APU

        Moe?

        MARGE

        He has shit now.

        APU

        Moe went to the gutter.

        MARGE

        Sonic took the good stuff

        APU

        Sonic doesn't sell.

        MARGE

        He's a fiend

        APU

        He misses his father.

        MARGE

        I miss the father of my children.

        APU

        The bud will help.

        MARGE

        Bud doesn't answer questions.

        APU

        I might die tonight.

        MARGE

        Apu?

        APU

        My heart....

        MARGE

        Have some water.

        APU

        This is dirty bong water

        MARGE

        We made a grav bong in our bath tub.

        APU

        So?

        MARGE

        All of our water goes to this bong.

        APU

        I need professional help

        MARGE

        You'll talk to my husband.

        APU

        I never asked for this.

        MARGE

        I never asked for this war. But your people...

        APU

        My people? Are you insane?

        MARGE

        if the shoe fits..

        APU

        What are you saying?

        MARGE

        convenient how you moved here 25 years before 9/11?

        APU

        I'm indian you fucking bigot.

        MARGE

        Sorry.

        MARGE

        I'm on edge.

        APU

        I barely know you guys. I just smoke your weed.

        MARGE

        You used to deal.

        APU

        My kids are in college.

        MARGE

        Oh?

        MARGE

        My kid sold his soul for this disgrace of a nation.

        APU

        Blame those fuckers on wall street.

        MARGE

        I blame you.

        APU

        I told you, I'm Indian.

        MARGE

        You're a pussy.

        APU

        What the fuck?

        MARGE

        Talk to Homer.

        APU

        I'm scared

        MARGE

        Homer isn't armed.

        APU

        Bob had guns.

        MARGE

        Bob? I forgot about Bob...

        APU

        Isn't he the cause of all your pain?

        MARGE

        Bob trashed our gazebo and left us in ruin.

        APU

        Email him.

        MARGE

        You need to do it.

        APU

        I won't.

        MARGE

        Email Bob, now.

        APU

        Why can't I fucking go home? Why can't you do it.

        MARGE

        I'm too high to deal with this shit.

        APU

        The resin lowered your tolerance.

        MARGE

        I'll kill you.

        APU

        You couldn't.

        MARGE

        I want my family back.

        APU

        I'm leaving. Bye.

        MARGE

        You son of a bitch.

        INT. Simpson livingroom

        HOMER

        [whispering] Did you fuck my wife?

        APU

        No. I'm leaving.

        HOMER

        I'll find you

        APU

        Let me go

        HOMER

        My son can turn you into ground beef chops.

        APU

        You're stoned, Homer.

        HOMER

        Wiggum will take my side.

        APU

        Fuck off.

        APU

        Your breath smells like old hash, your teeth are brown. You're a mess.

        HOMER

        I have my eye on you

        APU

        You wanted this.

        HOMER

        Fuck.

        EXT. SIMPSON STREET

        APU

        Fuck that shit

        MAN

        ¿Tiene alguna marihuana?

        APU

        What the fucking hell is going on LENNY

        The merchant feels the oppressive weight of destiny on his shoulders.

        CARL

        Could Apu turn to the cops?

        MOE

        He smoked their hash.

        MOE'S TAVERN; MARGE sits alone in a dark booth. A shadow approaches

        MARGE

        Thank you for coming. I don't have anyone else to turn to

        SONIC

        You thought that you, a peasant, could turn to me?

        MARGE

        Thats rude

        SONIC

        I have attitude problems. And all the kush in

        Springfield

        MARGE

        Then why did you come here?

        SONIC

        Curiosity. Boredom. I feel like as I blaze, an emptiness inside me is growing

        MARGE

        Damn

        SONIC

        I get to be high all the time though MARGE

        That's cool

        SONIC

        Yeah.

        MARGE

        Some serious shit has happened.

        SONIC

        I don't give a fuck. I want middle-eastern weed.

        MARGE

        You'll get it.

        SONIC

        When?

        MARGE

        You need to message Bob.

        SONIC

        Fuck Bob

        MARGE

        True. But you're the only one he's afraid of SONIC

        What do I even say to him. What is it that we're even doing

        MARGE

        Find out what he knows about Bart. What went down in Iraq. I want my husband and son back.

        SONIC

        But why? Talk to Homer about it MARGE

        Homer's lips are sealed to the grav bong.

        SONIC

        Bath tub?

        MARGE

        we made a bong out of it.

        SONIC

        Genius. But I get your concern.

        SONIC

        Thing is, babe, I have no concern for your family.

        MARGE

        You have all the weed you can smoke.

        SONIC

        I do.

        MARGE

        But...

        MARGE

        You don't have Iraqi connections.

        SONIC

        Why would I want them.

        MARGE

        Ever smoke hashish?

        SONIC

        Yeah.

        MARGE

        You bought that shit outside a Subway restaurant.

        SONIC

        It's the same brick.

        MARGE

        This brick is insane.

        SONIC

        Whoa

        MARGE

        I'll supply you with a lifetime of hash weed for your work.

        SONIC

        Do I have to sell?

        MARGE

        It's all yours to toke on

        SONIC

        Damn..

        MARGE

        Homer is hiding the facts.

        SONIC

        More than Bush?

        MARGE

        He smoked with Bush.

        SONIC

        What the fuck?

        MARGE

        I know, right?

        SONIC

        This is deep shit.

        MARGE

        There's a mystery surrounding Bart, my youngest son.

        SONIC

        and Ken?

        MARGE

        Shut your mouth.

        SONIC

        You don't tell me what to fucking do.

        MARGE

        I'll tell you not to mention that name near me again

        SONIC

        Musta passed to the right...

        MARGE

        Apu knows too much.

        SONIC

        You're asking a lot to me.

        MARGE

        Skype Bob first. Then we deal with Apu.

        SONIC

        Apu's blood will spill.

        MARGE

        Will you email him?

        SONIC

        Skype will suffice.

        MARGE

        Cam on or off?

        SONIC

        I'm going to show him my face

        MARGE

        Holy shit.

        SONIC

        I'm not too thrilled with Bart's return.

        MARGE

        This town is dead, period.

        SONIC

        Springfield...deserves a second chance.

        LATER, SONIC's HOME

        SONIC

        Well, here goes nothing.

        SONIC clicks the SKYPE CONTACT

        BOB

        Hello?

        SONIC

        Get on cam

        BOB

        Sonic?

        SONIC

        Now.

        BOB

        What?

        SONIC

        Now.

        BOB

        You're breaking up.

        SONIC

        My data plan...

        BOB

        T-Mobile is shit in this area.

        SONIC

        CIRCUS BOB!!!

        BOB

        Why are you fucking calling me? It's 1:20 AM?

        SONIC

        What the fuck is happening over there?

        BOB

        It's a god forsaken mess.

        SONIC

        Get the fuck on cam.

        BOB

        My connection...

        SONIC

        Show me your bastard face.

        BOB

        Hold on a second.

        SONIC

        I'm going to take a hit now.

        BOB

        Can you see my feed?

        SONIC

        All I see is your fucking lap. Move the camera up.

        BOB

        I'm nervous.

        SONIC

        Load up a fucking fat bong of hashish BOB

        My brick is almost gone

        SONIC

        You have Milhouse.

        BOB

        Milhouse? Hah.

        BOB

        Milhouse is a double-traitor.

        SONIC

        Milhouse has good shit.

        BOB

        He's the president of the United States of Iraq.

        SONIC

        what?

        BOB

        Democracy has landed in this wasteland.

        SONIC

        That's a good thing.

        BOB

        He's bogarting the hashish.

        SONIC

        Milhouse smokes his own way

        BOB

        Can you see me?

        SONIC

        Yeah.

        BOB

        I can't see you

        SONIC

        Hold on

        SONIC ends the call

        SKYPE RINGTONE PLAYS

        SONIC

        Can you see me now?

        BOB

        I see you alright.

        SONIC

        Damn. I can't see you.

        BOB

        Do you have Google+?

        SONIC

        Are you kidding me? You imbecile.

        BOB

        I see you now. You have a lot of bud.

        SONIC

        Jars for days of chronic shit.

        SONIC

        I need to know what happened to Bush, Bart and the rest.

        BOB

        Well, machines have organs.

        SONIC

        Shut your stoner mouth.

        SONIC

        Bart smoked. I know it. We all know it...Bill Maher has clips.

        BOB

        Bill? He's desperate

        SONIC

        Bill Mahaer is a ratchet fucker.

        BOB

        The RATCHET phrase has not reached Iraqi soil.

        SONIC

        Where the fuck is bart.

        BOB

        The chamber.

        SONIC

        You talking about bongs?

        BOB

        Bart is undergoing severe weed training. He's being force-fed bong smoke until he doesn't feel it anymore

        SONIC

        That's torture.

        BOB

        What do you want me to do? I just push.

        SONIC

        What's Millhouse's skype?

        BOB

        I don't know it.

        SONIC

        How?

        BOB

        I only know his no. 1

        TEAGUE has joined the conversation

        BOB

        Teague. This is Sonic.

        TEAGUE

        I know him.

        SONIC

        Holy mother of god.

        SONIC

        This guy grew up with me. We watched Digimon together.

        BOB

        I'll leave now.

        TEAGUE

        What do you want, scum?

        SONIC

        Bart.

        TEAGUE

        Tai hasn't found me yet.

        SONIC

        Where the fuck is Bart?

        TEAGUE

        He only responds on Yahoo now.

        SONIC

        Jesus Christ.

        SONIC

        Forget it. Thanks. This is a bunch of bullshit.

        I'm going to sleep. I'm blocking Marge's number.

        BOB

        Bye

        MARGE

        Days have passed. I'm alone. My husband hasn't left the closet. He's blowing tokes non-stop.

        HOMER

        Marge. Get me some grapes.

        MARGE

        Homer. I won't take your shit. Until Bart is back, I'm done. I'm leaving this house. I'll stay with TWIN SISTERS.

        HOMER

        My kids.

        MARGE

        Say goodbye to your pot smoking teens, fucker.

        HOMER

        I've lost them all. Where's Apu?

        INT. Bong facility, IRAQ

        BART

        I can't handle this smoke

        DOCTOR

        You will keep smoking.

        BART

        I don't want to lose the body high BART

        Why are you doing this to me?

        MILLHOUSE ENTERS

        MILLHOUSE

        It's for your own good.

        BART

        I killed Saddam. Isn't that enough?

        MILLHOUSE

        It's never enough. You should just give up. Go home to your father.

        BART

        My father is a cowardly dog.

        MILLHOUSE

        He's chill

        BART

        You don't even know him. You only know that he shares his bud for no reason.

        MILLHOUSE

        That's all I need to know.

        BART

        It's deeper.

        MILLHOUSE

        Your bloodlust will never be satisfied. You must pacify it with huge bong hits.

        BART

        I'm not done yet.

        MILLHOUSE

        What are you trying to prove?

        BART

        That I'm the American Soldier Supreme.

        MILLHOUSE

        To whom?

        BART

        My country

        MILLHOUSE

        Wrong.

        BART

        God.

        MILLHOUSE

        God is dead.

        BART

        Myself

        MILLHOUSE

        You're not even a person.

        BART

        ....

        BART

        All I wanted to do was make my father proud. He thought I was a worthless stoner. I can be more. I can change the world.

        BART

        Homer passed me his fattest L when I was only eight years old. I hit that shit so hard that it saved my life. I was suicidal.

        BART

        My old man, he made me who I am today. I wanted to pay him back. He already knows I'm a fiend. I wanted to show him I'm a hero, too.

        MILLHOUSE

        You were suicidal at eight years old?

        BART

        I was sober as fuck.

        MILLHOUSE

        No contact highs?

        BART

        None.

        MILLHOUSE

        Your family is suffering without you.

        BART

        I'm too high for that pressure

        MILLHOUSE

        Your tolerance will never increase.

        MILLHOUSE

        Bart. You've smoked as much as you can. You can't pass this wall. This is it. You're as high as you can be.

        BART

        I'm buzzed.

        MILLHOUSE

        You're drooling on yourself.

        BART

        I miss Doritos

        MILLHOUSE

        There's some at home.

        BART

        Why do you want me to go back?

        MILLHOUSE

        I owe your father a favor.

        BART

        Father fucked me over, hardcore.

        MILLHOUSE

        He's chill.

        BART

        I can't go back. I'm too far gone.

        MILLHOUSE

        They want you to be gone. Faded as fuck on NYC

        Sour Diesel.

        BART

        That's 2006 shit.

        MILLHOUSE

        You think Afghan shit is real?

        BART

        I've smoked it

        MILLHOUSE

        It's all spice.

        BART

        I know spice

        MILLHOUSE

        How much fucking spice have you smoked?

        BART

        ...

        MILLHOUSE

        Your dad gave you the real bud.

        BART

        I smoked it twice.

        MILLHOUSE

        You took three hits and fell asleep.

        BART

        Spice is just as good

        MILLHOUSE

        You're delusional. This war has ruined you.

        BART

        I miss father. I miss mother's stacked hair.

        MILLHOUSE

        Your mom's style is ahead of the game.

        BART

        I love my own mother.

        BART

        Send me back.

        MILLHOUSE

        I can do it.

        BART

        Homer....

        MILLHOUSE

        He saved you

        BART

        My chill-ass dad.

        MARGE

        MY SON IS FUCKING RUINING MY LIFE

        ABE

        What the fuck? The town is full of kush. Smoke more. Relax

        MARGE

        MY SON.

        ABE

        I got an email from Homer.

        MARGE

        I don't want his bullshit.

        ABE

        It's an e-card.

        MARGE

        What?

        ABE

        It's from http://t.co/XZV4B4akVX

        MARGE

        ... He saves those only for special occasions.

        ABE

        Your husband is blazed.

        MARGE

        This George Costanza card....

        ABE

        Bart?

        MARGE

        Bart is coming home.

        ABE

        Sweet mother of all hell. Sonic did it.

        MARGE

        No. Not Sonic. Sonic's malice knows no bounds.

        MARGE

        Homer still has connections. I'm worried.

        ABE

        Your husband might be pushing hash.

        MARGE

        It's good hash.

        ABE

        Bender's quality has increased.

        MARGE

        Is Homer supplying local thugs?

        ABE

        But Bart is safe.

        MARGE

        Bart's on his way.

        BART is relaxing on an Israeli beach, on a week leave from the army

        BART

        God damn do I love Israel... Unlimited weed and crazy beaches.

        SOLDIER

        Excuse me, Mr. Simpson? I need you to come with me.

        BART

        What the hell? I'm a US soldier. Our countries are friends.

        SOLDIER

        [places hand on sidearm] Don't make this difficult, Bart.

        BART

        Alright you fucking pig, let's go. What do you want.

        SOLDIER

        My boss wants to see you.

        BART

        Let's fuckin' go then!

        BART is escorted into a huge mansion in the heart of Tel Aviv.

        Giant bricks of hash litter the vestibule BART

        Who lives here...?

        NETANYAHU

        Hello Bart

        BART

        Bibi...?

        NETANYAHU

        I was impressed by your work in Iraq. Very impressed.

        BART

        Thanks... do you want to smoke?

        NETANYAHU

        [grinning] I thought you'd never ask.

        BART

        Well I just fucking did. Now light that blunt and tell me why you brought me here.

        NETANYAHU

        Like I said... You dispatching of Saddam was quite the show.

        BART

        It's more complex than that.

        NETANYAHU

        Ah, but is it really?

        BART

        Yes... I just said it was.

        NETANYAHU

        Sometimes things are simpler than they appear.

        BART

        You weren't there.

        NETANYAHU

        Maybe this top tier Israeli bubble hash will help you see things my way.

        BART

        You know I can't refuse a hit of that.

        BART

        [Bart exhales a huge hit. He pretends to be high, not letting on that he is immune to weed] Fuck...

        I'm blazed, Bibi

        NETANYAHU

        I want to talk to you about Yasser Arafat. Perhaps you've heard of him.

        BART

        [holding in a hit] Yeah I know him NETANYAHU

        Well, Bart, he's a thorn in my side. I was wondering if you might have a chat with him on my behalf.

        BART

        Uhhhh

        NETANYAHU

        Shall I roll another?

        BART

        Yes, Bibi. I want to get so faded. I love Israel more than anything.

        NETANYAHU

        I'm glad to hear it.

        BART

        I'll "talk" to him, sure. But what do I get?

        NETANYAHU

        You'd be doing your patriotic duty, Mr. Simpson.

        BART

        I work for the Army

        NETANYAHU

        [sighs and rubs temples] What did you have in mind?

        BART

        I want to talk about settlements.

        NETANYAHU

        Excuse me?

        BART

        You heard me.

        NETANYAHU

        These issues do not concern you.

        BART

        It concerns everybody, Bibi. It must stop.

        NETANYAHU

        I thought you were a patriot.

        BART

        I'm a human being.

        NETANYAHU

        It's not that simple.

        BART

        That's not what you said before NETANYAHU

        Suddenly you seem quite sober, Mr. Simpson BART

        I'm blazed with the desire to help my fellow man.

        NETANYAHU

        I don't understand

        BART

        You never have, Bibi.

        NETANYAHU

        How could you be sober after all that bubble hash?

        You should be faded like my Wranglers right now BART

        [smirking] That doesn't concern you, Bibi...

        NETANYAHU

        Gah! Bad boy!

        BART

        You know it.

        BART

        So here's the deal, Bibi. I'm going to Ramallah in an hour to chat with Arafat. Then we're both going to the Hague.

        NETANYAHU

        Gah!

        BART

        You might want to get a head start on suspending those settlements. This is going to look really bad for you.

        NETANYAHU

        Awful boy!

        NETANYAHU

        You're making a huge mistake.

        BART

        I'm doing what I believe.

        NETANYAHU

        What you believe is shit.

        BART

        I believe in justice.

        LISA

        I can say the F word to my mom now.

        WIGGUM

        I hear your mom begs for shake on the streets LISA

        ...

        SKINNER

        Young Wiggum. That's really a low blow.

        WIGGUM

        I heard it from you

        SKINNER

        You read my Xanga?

        WIGGUM

        All the kids are talking about the Fallen Simpsons. How bud ruined their lives. Their house is going to be repossessed.

        NETANYAHU

        Justice is a lie for naive schoolboys.

        BART

        I'm a man. I'm a soldier. And now I'm leaving.

        Mind if I take a brick for the road?

        NETANYAHU

        Awful boy!

        BART

        You should really have a toke, Bibi. You look nervous. Goodbye.

        NETANYAHU

        You're making a mistake.

        BART

        Peace.

        LISA

        I have to choose which house I go to after school.

        TODD

        The father's place

        RODD

        Or the TWIN AUNTS

        LISA

        This J is poorly rolled

        MARGE

        Homer. Open the door.

        HOMER

        I missed you, my wife.

        MARGE

        You said Bart was leaving Iraq.

        HOMER

        He did leave.

        MARGE

        You bastard

        HOMER

        Tropical Man told me he's in Israel MARGE

        Israel? That shithole?

        HOMER

        Marge!

        MAGGIE

        Those people are suffering!

        MARGE

        Sorry

        MAGGIE

        Bart might make this world a better place HOMER

        Make the grass greener on all sides

        MARGE

        You're toked out

        HOMER

        Take a hit.

        MARGE

        Don't mind if I do.

        NELSON

        I get greens, ma'am.

        MARGE

        What?

        HOMER

        I got a new kid.

        MARGE

        That's just that dirty kid Nelson?

        HOMER

        His parents owed me money

        MARGE

        You're not still...

        HOMER

        I stopped. But my last ounce of brick went to the Nelson Trailer.

        MARGE

        They should have never had him, he's a disgrace to our town.

        HOMER

        He can clean himself at least

        MAGGIE

        Revolting.

        NELSON

        Sir. Ma'am. I'd love to have a hit of marijuana.

        HOMER

        Go ahead, boy. And call me "father".

        NELSON

        That's really weird.

        HOMER

        I've accepted that Bart is gone forever. I just want a new chill teen to smoke pot with.

        NELSON

        Sonic?

        HOMER

        Sonic abandoned me.

        FLANDERS

        I smell pot

        HOMER

        I didn't invite you to my house FLANDERS

        I'm taking just one hit, then I'll leave.

        HOMER

        I'm serious.

        FLANDERS

        You lame fuck. Iraq changed you. You used to share all your weed. No matter what. Now you're hoarding it.

        HOMER

        You deserve none

        FLANDERS

        And this ugly little Nelson kid does? Look at him.

        He's crying. He's a selfish brat who drove his family into debt

        HOMER

        No weed.

        HOMER

        Nelson is my boy now.

        FLANDERS

        You sure know how to pick them, Homer.

        HOMER

        Here's a couple of stems. Now get the fuck out.

        FLANDERS

        I'll chew on these weed stems to stay alive through the night.

        NELSON

        Sir-err, Father?

        HOMER

        Yes boy.

        NELSON

        What's under that tarp in the back yard?

        HOMER

        You're done.

        NELSON

        What?

        HOMER

        You're out of a home, you're out of a family and now you're out of my fucking herb. Get out of this place

        NELSON

        I didn't know-

        HOMER

        You didn't know about the legendary Springfield Smokeshack? You're a liar. The greats have toked here

        NELSON

        Not Marley.

        HOMER

        No, not Marley. You're right. But you're still going to live in the gutter.

        MARGE

        You're a fucking animal now, Homer.

        HOMER

        I think this shit was laced. I feel sick.

        MAGGIE

        It's your imagination. This weed is good.

        HOMER

        I'm sick. Call Apu.

        MAGGIE

        We're not calling that guy again, he's afraid of us.

        HOMER

        Please call Apu. I'm seeing shit.

        MAGGIE

        You're tripping? On pot?

        HOMER

        Someone laced this shit with angel dust and ketamine.

        MAGGIE

        That doesn't happen in real life.

        HOMER

        I'm in the depths of a K-Hole

        Where's my Amethyst

        MAGGIE

        It's in the Gazebo, dad.

        HOMER

        It's my birthstone

        MAGGIE

        It's a rock you tripped out psycho.

        HOMER

        Bring my my amethyst pendant.

        MARGE

        I'll go get it. Lie down.

        HOMER

        Let me touch it

        MARGE

        Your fingers are twitching

        HOMER

        Put it on my face.

        MARGE

        It's there.

        HOMER

        This Amethyst is clearing toxins out from my body.

        MAGGIE

        That's not scientific

        HOMER

        Science is just another religion, Maggie. Stop being such a piece brat. I miss my sons MAGGIE

        Nelson is in the yard crying

        HOMER

        Nelson is going to steal my rare stone.

        MAGGIE

        We got it in Ocean City for ten dollars HOMER

        I'm high

        MAGGIE

        Can we make a promise, as a family?

        MARGE

        I'll do anything to save my family. The Twin Sisters are oppressive.

        HOMER

        Help me

        MAGGIE

        Let's forget about this. Bart is taking care of himself. He's making his own choices. Let's just continue being chill and smoking.

        MAGGIE

        We'll have family dinners, sit on the couch, and pass the shit around. It will feel good.

        HOMER

        I'll smoke to stay focused

        MARGE

        I'll smoke to dampen the flames of hatred which engulf my heart.

        MAGGIE

        I'll smoke. right now. to get lifted.

        The following day

        HOMER

        I can't stop moving my shoulders up and down.

        MARGE

        You're shrugging.

        HOMER

        It feels good...I'm blazed

        MAGGIE

        This purp gets stronger with age.

        MARGE

        This dry shit is getting me higher than Moe's sticky.

        MAGGIE

        Bus Rocker deals now.

        MARGE

        You bought this from him?

        MAGGIE

        He rocks on the way to school and deals on the way home.

        MARGE

        How much for an 8th?

        MAGGIE





        45


        MARGE


        That's VIP Price.

        MAGGIE

        I've known him for years. He just bought a grow lamp.

        MARGE

        This pot is incredible. Kudos to him.

        HOMER

        Where is Lisa?

        MARGE

        Lisa has been cowering for days at my sisters'

        home.

        HOMER

        They're twins.

        MARGE

        They look alike.

        LISA

        I'm not going home. I'll get too high and emotional.

        SELMA

        Their shit is too hairy. Too many crystals.

        LISA

        Last I heard, my dad was in the K-Hole.

        SELMA

        That's not good. Keep hitting this brown and dry.

        LISA

        I'm addicted to mids

        LISA

        Slight headache, body high, little bit of hunger.

        I giggle now and then. Mids is controllable, convenient and cheap.

        LISA

        Kush should be saved for special occasions. You can't toke only the best shit. You'll lose yourself in fields of green. Mids , though.

        SELMA

        We didn't approve of Marge marrying that kush maniac. Mids clear the mind. Kush breeds psychosis.

        LISA

        No bongs, either.

        SELMA

        Bongs are for weirdos. Who wants to smoke out of some science lab prop? We roll tight bones.

        LISA

        I can barely hit this J

        SELMA

        That one's spliff. It's a mix of tobacco and weed.

        LISA

        I feel the nicotine, as a stimulant, flowing through me.

        LISA

        The nicotine helps me stay awake while this dry eights of hairless weed keeps me grounded. I'm at home here. I'm not going back.

        SELMA

        We can visit them on holidays.

        LISA

        We can smoke kush twice a year.

        SELMA

        It's better that way.

        MAGGIE

        My sister smokes schwag with the twin hags. Her soul is corrupted by the unholy poison of nicotine. Our family's decline continues.

        HOMER

        You lack something.

        NELSON

        Sir?

        HOMER

        You're not my son.

        NELSON

        I know.

        HOMER

        But even my son is not my son.

        HOMER

        He is a warrior. I have come to terms with it. But I still need fluffy kush to help me forget it sometimes.

        NELSON

        I need to smoke HOMER

        It's not your fault you don't live up to Bart's legacy.

        NELSON

        I want to blaze please

        HOMER

        He was a special boy.

        NELSON

        Please roll one

        HOMER

        He had such passion. He loved the world NELSON

        I'm not high but I want to be

        HOMER

        I still love him.

        NELSON

        Let's chief

        HOMER

        But things are different. But then, all parents must watch their children outgrow them.

        NELSON

        Roll one

        FLANDERS

        Homer, you neglect this boy

        HOMER

        It's not your business. I'm reflecting on my son's absence.

        NELSON

        Do you have bud, mister?

        FLANDERS

        Nelson needs love and attention just like Bart did HOMERS

        He's just a weed rat

        NELSON

        Let's chief

        HOMERS

        He doesn't need love.

        FLANDERS

        He feels loved when he smokes with his surrogate father

        HOMER

        No. He feels high when he smokes my weed for free.

        NELSON

        Please

        HOMER

        You're wrong. This boy is pathetic. He is enslaved by his own desires.

        FLANDERS

        As if you were any different at your age?

        NELSON

        Let's smoke

        HOMER

        Quiet, boy! Flanders, it is the duty of the father to prevent his children from making the same mistakes he did.

        FLANDERS

        We learn from our mistakes

        NELSON

        Roll that shit

        HOMER

        You're telling me this boy is learning from this behavior?

        NED

        He's learning how to get what he wants HOMER

        Spoken like a true capitalist

        NED

        I'm a realist

        HOMER

        And I'm too high for this shit

        HOMER

        Come on, boy, let's toke

        FLANDERS

        I thought you were trying to teach him moderation?

        HOMER

        Now I'm just trying to get my smoke on.

        HOMER

        Come on, Nelson [hands him a massive bong] Enter the 36 chambers with me

        NELSON

        [takes a huge hit] It tastes like blueberries HOMER

        It's blueberry kush from East Texas NELSON

        How do they make it taste like that?

        HOMER

        I smoke it, I don't study it. Pass that shit.

        HOMER

        Now that we're sufficiently stoned I need to talk to you about something serious

        NELSON

        Let's keep smoking.

        HOMER

        You're neglecting your studies

        NELSON

        Pass it

        HOMER

        I love smoking weed with my new son but you have responsibilities.

        NELSON

        Give

        HOMER

        [holding bong out of Nelson's reach] Stop. Stop trying to grab the bong. I'm trying to teach you how to live a good life.

        HOMER

        You're pathetic. A pathetic boy. Leave the house now. I owe nothing to you.

        NELSON

        Please. Please. My family can't afford berry kush HOMER

        They can afford it. They just choose not to.

        NELSON

        It's not that simple.

        HOMER

        I want you out of here. Is that simple enough?

        HOMER

        You're a parasite

        NELSON

        I'm your son

        HOMER

        I have two sons and you're not one of them NELSON

        I want to smoke here forever

        HOMER

        I don't care. This isn't a weed charity NELSON

        I can't go back

        HOMER

        I don't care where you go but you're done here.

        You're out.

        HOMER

        You make me sick

        FLANDERS

        Homer that's enough

        NELSON

        Please Mr. Homer FLANDERS

        Come on, Nelson. I have a canister of K2 at home HOMER

        You two enjoy that. Remember what you could have had, Nelson. [holds up hairy nug of blueberry kush] This could have been your life NELSON

        I'm scared.

        FLANDERS

        You're not a good man, Homer

        HOMER

        I've been through a lot. Fuck you.

        HOMER

        [exhales massive bong hit] Why does everything around me turn to shit?

        HOMER

        [looks at bong thoughtfully] Is it you, my old friend? Are you the one causing this suffering? I cannot believe it. I refuse.

        HOMER

        I cannot blame you. I am the cause of my own suffering. Bart was right. I use weed to make others love me.

        HOMER

        Can I really blame them when I inevitably realize that they only loved my weed? I cultivated these empty and poisonous relationships HOMER

        Weed isn't the problem. It's what I use it for.

        It's not a good foundation for relationships. I'm realizing this now.

        HOMER

        High quality bud can make an already strong relationship grow, but it cannot build it from scratch. It is a fertilizer, not a seed.

        FLANDERS

        [answers phone] Hello?

        HOMER

        Let me talk to Nelson

        FLANDERS

        Don't call this number anymore, Homer HOMER

        It's important

        FLANDERS

        Fuck off [hangs up]

        HOMER

        It appears I have come to understand my greatest flaw long after there was any hope left of fixing it

        CARL

        The father is broken, defeated.

        LENNY

        His family lies in shambles around him MOE

        Does he shoulder all of the blame?

        FLANDERS

        I couldn't have my own children. I can't pay for my own weed. But I can do what I do best: taking from others

        FLANDERS

        I'm going to raise you right, kid. Here. Borrow my xbox, I'll be right back.

        NELSON

        Unless this Xbox can blaze I don't care.

        EXT. TWIN SISTERS ranch house FLANDERS

        Lisa. You can't stay here. They're using you for your rolling skills

        LISA

        I roll perfect blunts

        LISA

        they're family.

        FLANDERS

        I'm your family now.

        LISA

        You don't even have your own weed FLANDERS

        I have grinders though

        FLANDERS

        I'll care for you more than your deadbeat dad LISA

        Do you have a bath tub and a three litre bottle?

        FLANDERS

        Yes.

        LISA

        You would be a bad father

        FLANDERS

        I have a bong from the gas station. It hits hard LISA

        You disgust me

        FLANDERS

        What if I told you I knew where Ken is?

        LISA

        What if I told you to buzz off and let me smoke this shake?

        BART

        My family anguishes while I perform my patriotic duty in the Middle East. Are they my greatest responsibility? Or my country?

        BART

        My tolerance is starting to drop again. I'm not sure if I can resist the sinister strains of the Near East.

        BART

        I may lapse again into a haze of marijuana-induced malaise. I fear that I may not be able to perform my duties. I must be disciplined

        FLANDERS

        I'm a good man.

        LISA

        You're worthless

        FLANDERS

        My worth is not tied to how much weed I have LISA

        That's where you're wrong

        LISA

        It is. And you have no weed. And you have no value as a human being.

        FLANDERS

        Terrible girl! Where did you learn your horrible ways!

        LISA

        I learned by example. My family used to smoke an ounce a day.

        FLANDERS

        All I can provide is love and an inexpensive bong LISA

        Leave my family's 3 foot tempered glass piece for your plastic toy? I laugh!

        FLANDERS

        You family is ruined.

        LISA

        Only temporarily

        FLANDERS

        You have faith in that in that foolish father of yours?

        LISA

        Get out of my face you depressing fuck.

        FLANDERS

        Language! Spicy!

        LISA

        The Simpson family will be proud once again.

        FLANDERS

        You're blind to your inevitable doom LISA

        [spits at his feet] Fuck off!

        HOMER

        Marge?

        MARGE

        Why are you in the tub?

        HOMER

        this entire tub is actually a gravity bong MARGE

        Its three AM...

        HOMER

        I am stoned.

        HOMER

        I fashioned a bowl to this soda bottle.

        MARGE

        and?

        HOMER

        I light bud and lift it out of the water.

        MARGE

        A vacuum effect.

        HOMER

        Correct. This bottle fills with jaundiced smoke and I inhale it from our dirty bathwater MARGE

        That smoke is too yellow.

        HOMER

        Apu took a bath in here today

        MARGE

        that's potent

        HOMER

        Apu's filth carries weed to my lungs

        FLANDERS

        I thought that my good character could bring me happiness and love, but the world is unforgiving.

        FLANDERS

        Unconditional love does not exist. Love is only allowed once brutal greet has been sated. My lack of kind buds condemns me forever FLANDERS

        I understand that the world is like this... but why did everyone always tell me it wasn't? I wasn't prepared for this loneliness FLANDERS

        I resent homer and I try to foil his attempt to adopt a new boy... but why? Is it just sour grapes?

        FLANDERS

        At least Nelson wanted to be around him. I can't say the same for myself. Homer just learned the rules before me. That's all.

        FLANDERS

        I can't blame him. He's simply surviving, just like everyone else. His family may be in ruins, but at least he has a family.

        FLANDERS

        Meanwhile I sit alone on my shitty porch, smoking my shitty legal synthetic weed out of a shitty plastic gas station bong.

        HOMER

        [picks up phone] Hello?

        FLANDERS

        It's Flanders. I want to apologize.

        HOMER

        Fuck you.

        FLANDERS

        Please hear me out.

        HOMER

        What the hell do you want?

        FLANDERS

        I understand the way of the world now. I want to learn to be like you.

        HOMER

        What the fuck?

        HOMER

        Have you been smoking that gas station spice again?

        FLANDERS

        Yes but that's not relevant.

        HOMER

        I think it is.

        FLANDER

        Maybe a bit

        FLANDERS

        You buy affection with weed. I want to learn how to do that.

        HOMER

        It's not a good thing. You don't want this.

        FLANDERS

        I do.

        HOMER

        You're a good man, Flanders. Don't do this.

        FLANDERS

        I'm a piece of shit. I'm so lonely. I'm so god damn lonely, homer.

        HOMER

        Calm down. Come over. I'll smoke you out. We'll fix this.

        FLANDERS

        Thank you, Homer. Thank you so much. You're such a good friend.

        FLANDERS

        Thanks for letting me come over.

        HOMER

        Sure thing. Have a seat. You ever smoked blueberry

        kush?

        FLANDERS

        No. I smelled it before

        HOMER

        Know what your problem is? [takes huge hit]

        FLANDERS

        What?

        HOMER

        [holding in hit] You're too cynical FLANDERS

        What do you mean?

        HOMER

        [exhales in his face]

        FLANDERS

        [coughs heavily]

        FLANDERS

        How do you have so much weed?

        HOMER

        I just buy it with the money I make at my job from a weed dealer.

        FLANDERS

        It's that simple?

        HOMER

        What did you think was happening?

        FLANDERS

        I don't know

        HOMER

        OK. Hit this.

        HOMER

        And I didn't start buying weed to bribe my family into loving me. It turned into that, but at first, I just wanted to share with them FLANDERS

        How did it start?

        HOMER

        I guess I just realized it was easier for me to bring home a fat sack than to go to Bart's soccer games

        HOMER

        And they both got the same response. That's how it was for years in this family. Only now am I realizing what's wrong with that.

        HOMER

        Don't get me wrong, I'll blaze until the day I die.

        FLANDERS

        [exhaling blunt hit] Of course.

        HOMER

        But I feel like the foundation of love and support in this family was eroded by time, and replaced by weed.

        HOMER

        That foundation wasn't able to support Bart's deployment, Ken's incarceration, all the shit that's happened. So it crumbled.

        HOMER

        What I'm saying is, you can't build a strong family with marijuana alone.

        FLANDERS

        [holding in blunt hit] I think I understand.

        FLANDERS

        Where's your bathroom?

        HOMER

        [exhaling blunt hit] You've never pissed in my house?

        FLANDERS

        I guess not.

        HOMER

        Weird.

        HOMER

        Back of the hall on the left.

        FLANDERS

        OK I'll be right back.

        HOMER

        Hit this shit first.

        FLANDERS

        OK [takes huge hit]

        HOMER

        Flanders isn't so bad after all. He's very confused. Not that I have everything figured out.

        I'm glad I could help him.

        FLANDERS

        There was a bunch of dirty water and half a 2

        liter bottle in your bathtub so I cleaned it up HOMER

        Are you kidding me

        FLANDERS

        What... What's wrong? Did I overstep a boundary?

        HOMER

        You fucked up my family's gravity bong you shmuck MARGE

        Homer? Do you know what happened to the gravity bong?

        HOMER

        Flanders drained it.

        MARGE

        What the fuck?

        HOMER

        I know.

        HOMER

        Please get out of my house, Ned.

        FLANDERS

        But what about our conversation?

        HOMER

        I meant it, but I can't look at you right now.

        MARGE

        I'm so glad he's gone

        HOMER

        He's such a fuck-up. But I feel bad for him.

        MARGE

        I hate when he's around

        HOMER

        He has problems too.

        SMITHERS

        Sir we found this man breaking into one of our grow houses. BENDER: Get your goddamn hands off me.

        SMITHERS

        Shall I call the authorities?

        BURNS

        Perhaps that isn't necessary. Let me have a word with him

        SMITHERS

        Ok

        BURNS

        Why did you come to this place boy? To get a free buzz off my glowing green bud?

        BENDER

        I am out of options. Sonic took everything.

        BURNS

        Sonic?

        BENDER

        I just wanted to sell my brick

        BURNS

        Sonic works for me

        BENDER

        I want to sell my brick and leave BURNS

        You sell for me now

        BENDER

        Please

        BURNS

        If you cherish your freedom you will comply.

        BENDER

        My clients can't afford kush

        BURNS

        Clients? Don't make me laugh.

        BENDER

        You are really not chill, do you even burn?

        BURNS

        I'm sober as shit

        APU, hanging up phone: Homer just left me fifteen voice mails asking me to roll around outside and then come take a bath at his house

        BART

        [visibly high] Why do I wander this savage desert?

        To whom do I owe these violent acts? I used to be a peaceful American boy.

        BART

        I thought I was resigned to my role as an enforcer for our corrupt American oligarchy. As my weed tolerance shrinks, my doubts grow.

        BART

        The only thing keeping me here is the inertia of my crimes. The weight of the blood on my hands anchors me in this sea of sand.

        BART

        Perhaps I belong at home with my family. At least I would be among people who love me. But I have denied so many others that right.

        BART

        After taking the lives of so many fathers and brothers, do I deserve to return to my own?

        BART

        How can I face my mother when I have deprived so many mothers of their sons throughout this land?

        Do I still deserve that love?

        BART

        The marijuana helps me feel my guilt more intensely, but also causes me to doubt and process the guilt.

        BART

        I have found that Hindu Kush provides the most introspective and meditative high. It both activates and soothes the mind.

        BURNS

        This is a global operation. You chumps will make it big here

        BENDER

        Shove it

        MIME

        I'm in too deep. I gotta buy a nickel BURNS

        A fucking nickelbag?

        KRUSTY

        yeah.

        BURNS

        What is that like a sixth of a gram?

        BENDER

        It's two hits max. And I'm talking schwag.

        KRUSTY

        I didn't come here to be judged.

        BURNS

        You're insane.

        KRUSTY

        I only smoke fivebags

        BURNS

        [aside] This is shady.

        SMITHERS

        let's go over the plan

        BURNS

        We have word that the Lebanese have engineered a

        strain that is white as paper BENDER

        Bullshit

        SMITHERS

        These nuggets are composed entirely of crystals BURNS

        If you smoke this pot, you will become emblazoned SMITHERS

        Blazed, sir.

        TWIN 1

        She's too good for our brown weed.

        TWIN 2

        She longs for the comfort of home and the firey dank her parents give her.

        TWIN 1

        The spoiled bourgeois girl needs fluffy purp TWIN

        She doesn't appreciate the comfortable, simple high of a dry brown nug

        TWIN 1

        She belongs with Marge and Homer TWIN 2

        She needs to blaze and with us she will only ever simmer

        CARL

        Does the boy drift homeward?

        LENNY

        Or deeper into violence, his own mind?

        MOE

        The broken family begins to stir.

        BART

        I'm going home.

        CHENEY

        You're doing nothing of the sort.

        BART

        Mr. Cheney, please, I--

        CHENEY

        You're not leaving the Middle East.

        CHENEY

        You signed a contract with the army. Ten years.

        Remember?

        BART

        Can't I just be dishonorably discharged?

        CHENEY

        Blood in, blood out

        BART

        What does that mean...?

        CHENEY

        It's simple. You kill for us, or you die.

        BART

        That wasn't in the contract.

        CHENEY

        It was implied.

        CHENEY

        You're too valuable here in Iraq and too risky to have back in the states

        BART

        I'm done killing. I want to go home to my family.

        CHENEY

        Unless your family lives at the bottom of a ditch in the Arabian Desert I suggest we end this conversation immediately.

        BART

        I want to talk to Bush. He's more chill.

        CHENEY

        Bush is in America

        BART

        I need to see that relaxed toker.

        CHENEY

        Don't you remember how you felt when the towers fell?

        BART

        It was terrible.

        CHENEY

        Yes... yes. Remember that feeling. Embrace it BART

        But you have me killing activists...poets...Why?

        What do they have to do with it?

        CHENEY

        [enraged] THEY HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT

        BART

        You're a monster. A demented old monster.

        CHENEY

        I run this country. I run this fucking planet.

        BART

        You're fucking delusional

        BART

        You're just a murderer and a bully. You can't keep me here.

        CHENEY

        I can do whatever the fuck I want.

        BART

        No.

        BART

        [draws sidearm]

        CHENEY

        Fool...what are you doing? Do you know what will happen if---

        BART

        [points pistol at his foot, pulls trigger]

        GUARDS

        What happened?!

        BART

        Gah! I accidentally discharged my sidearm. Help...

        call a medic.

        CHENEY

        You fucking slime. You dog.

        DOCTOR

        The surgery went well, Bart. But I have bad news.

        BART

        Shit... What is it, doc?

        DOCTOR

        You won't be able to serve anymore.

        BART

        Christ... I have to go home?

        DOCTOR

        I'm afraid so.

        BART

        I'm going to miss being on the battlefield.

        DOCTOR

        I know, soldier.

        DOCTOR exits

        CHENEY stands in the doorway, scowling. BART grins.

        BART

        I guess this is "blood out"

        CHENEY

        You think this will work?

        BART

        It already did work you impotent old fuck. Your shitty heart won't last until Thanksgiving.

        CHENEY

        Fuck you.

        BART

        Get out of here

        BART

        I'm going home to my loving family. I'm going to smoke Bubba Kush every morning. Enjoy the prison you've built for yourself.

        CHENEY

        I love my life you miserable twerp BART

        You love nothing. Your soul is dead just like your worthless heart.

        CHENEY

        Fuck off

        CARL

        The boy is truly bound for home LENNY

        The wayward daughter also returns MOE

        The broken family, nearly reunited MAGGIE

        I've been listening to some stuff MARGE

        [picking out stems] Listening?

        MAGGIE

        Infowars

        MARGE

        Honey your eyes are so red

        MAGGIE

        My breathing is laboured

        MARGE

        Have a green hit.

        MAGGIE

        [exhales] I miss being a whole family MARGE

        Bush will get us all killed.

        MAGGIE

        I can't breathe

        LISA

        Why is CLOWN outside sobbing?

        MARGE

        getting into the game is rough in a guy LISA

        He turned down stems

        MARGE

        Hes going to lebanon

        LISA

        are we still talking about hash? I'm going back to my twin aunts.

        MARGE

        We lay off the brown brick

        MAGGIE

        Making hash is elaborate

        MARGE

        It's a long process

        LISA

        It hits like cinderblock

        MAGGIE

        Kush goes down like water

        MARGE

        These Pringles are fucking stale HOMER

        shit

        MARGE

        Homer?

        HOMER

        I haven't fed the dog since 9/11

        MARGE

        Our innocence as a nation was lost that day MARGE

        should we ask father to reopen the gazebo?

        LISA

        He is my father. You're the wife.

        MARGE

        Whoa. This must be pre-98 bubba kush MAGGIE

        I've been feeding the dog those chip crumbs you guys keep in the pantry

        MARGE

        what chip crumbs?

        HOMER

        You brat...that was kief

        HOMER

        You fed thirty years of kief to a filthy unloved animal

        MARGE

        I only have one daughter now

        MAGGIE

        I fucked up.

        WIGGUM

        The federal government is on my case now. Burns is doing something shady. I might have to crack down on this city's weed use.

        COP

        You smoke more than Homer.

        WIGGUM

        I can't touch Homer's skill. And it doesn't matter. We're cleaning this town up COP

        We could just arrest Bus Rocker, call it a day.

        WIGGUM

        and let Bender and Sonic rip our kids off with mids?

        WIGGUM

        This town is going dry. That's all there is to it.

        We've been playing around for too long.

        WIGGUM

        Our library hasn't been used in three years. We lead lives of hedonism that would make the Greeks blush. Endless tokes....

        WIGGUM

        Do you know what my kid said to me yesterday?

        COP

        No, sir.

        WIGGUM

        "I live to fill my bubbler with Baja Blast"

        WIGGUM

        Our chillness brought us together, but this town will end up dying. We are being strangled by orange hairs. It chokes life from us.

        WIGGUM

        Rainbows crossing through billows of haze. Dreams displayed and fulfilled for all to enjoy. But at the cost of our future.

        WIGGUM

        We are complacent in our rapid succession bong hits. The cooled smoke turns us into relaxed creatures of sinful habit.

        WIGGUM

        Tomorrow we are raiding Moe's bed and breakfast store.

        BART

        [on military transport plane] My shattered foot leads me homeward like a hobbled steed. What awaits me in that familiar place?

        BART

        I head towards a familiar place, but an unfamiliar situation. My shattered family slowly gravitates back towards that hazy gazebo.

        BART

        The gazebo of my father, who is the greatest weed smoker I have ever known. Yet I hesitate to name him the best man I have known.

        BART

        But what is a "great man?" A man who has done the most to change the world? By that criteria, Cheney

        is a great man.

        BART

        My father has not changed the world, but he has done no harm. He has smoked out hundreds of his weedless peers.

        HOMER

        [exhaling huge blunt it] It's so good to have you back, Bart

        BART

        I missed this place

        HOMER

        You need to hit this shit.

        MARGE

        Bart we missed you. We were smoking spice for awhile

        HOMER

        The boy doesn't need to hear about that BART

        Spice? What the hell?

        BART

        This family only smokes the finest herb. Why were you smoking legal gas station weed?

        MARGE

        All that matters is our son and this kush MARGE

        What was it like over there, Bart?

        BART

        ...

        HOMER

        Marge, the boy doesn't want to talk about it. Let him enjoy the blunt.

        LISA

        We missed you so much, Bart. Things got bad HOMER

        It wasn't that bad

        LISA

        [to Bart] We were smoking legal gas station weed.

        BART

        I know

        LISA

        You left us.

        MARGE

        He was defending his country

        HOMER

        There wouldn't even be weed if it wasn't for men like Bart

        BART

        I'm not a hero.

        MARGE

        Don't be modest. You killed bad men who wanted to hurt our country.

        BART

        It's more complex than that.

        BART

        The only heroic thing I did was getting Netanyahu arrested

        MARGE

        He's a friend of our country

        HOMER

        Israel is our ally, Bart

        BART

        It's more complex than that.

        HOMER

        We can't change the world... [hits blunt] So let's change the subject.

        LISA

        Good idea.

        LISA

        I just realized something.

        MARGE

        What is it, honey?

        LISA

        [smiling proudly] We've already smoked an ounce today

        MARGE

        This family is getting back on its feet.

        LISA

        I finally feel safe again.

        HOMER

        I'm so happy my son is home from the Middle East.

        MOE sits across a glass divider from KEN

        MOE

        You fucked up, kid.

        KEN

        I know, Moe... I know.

        MOE

        I don't know if I can get you out KEN

        It was self defense. I swear, Moe MOE

        I know that. Try telling it to a jury. You got a reputation

        KEN

        I was just tryin' to do right by my family MOE

        Try telling that to a jury

        KEN

        They offered me a plea deal.

        KEN

        7 years if I cop to assault with a deadly weapon.

        Eligible for parole after 3

        MOE

        What's your family gonna do for those 3 years?

        MOE

        You know Bart's home right? You think they'll remember your sorry ass when you get out?

        KEN

        Stop... please. No

        MOE

        You should be glad I even came down here. More than I can say for your father

        KEN

        He's busy.

        MOE

        Busy blazing kush with Bart

        KEN

        Why are you trying to turn me against my family?

        MOE

        You deserve better

        KEN

        I love them

        MOE

        They forgot about you

        KEN

        They have a lot going on

        MOE

        You don't?

        KEN

        Fuck you.

        MOE

        Ken--

        KEN

        Get out of here. Don't come back.

        MOE

        I'm your family now

        KEN

        You're a shitty old weed dealer MOE

        I have other stuff going on too KEN

        No you don't

        MOE

        Whatever

        MOE

        I'm leaving

        KEN

        Good

        MOE

        Enjoy prison

        KEN

        Fuck you.

        MOE

        See ya

        KEN

        Fuck off

        FLANDERS

        Hello Bart. You're a hero for our nation. I'm glad to see you home.

        HOMER

        Flanders, leave now. It's family time.

        FLANDERS

        Sorry

        LISA

        He's just here to blaze for free FLANDERS

        I wasn't planning on it but I can contribute a mango blunt wrap.

        HOMER

        Jesus Christ

        MARGE

        We're trying to reconnect with our damaged son.

        FLANDERS

        Maggie brought up bud, not me

        HOMER

        That's Lisa

        LISA

        He's faded on spice

        FLANDERS

        Can I just sit here in the smokey gazebo? I don't need to take a hit.

        BART

        This is really sad.

        HOMER

        He's like this now.

        HOMER

        He drained a 4 day gravity bong BART

        You serious?

        FLANDERS

        I'm sorry

        HOMER

        He's out of control

        FLANDERS

        Sorry

        FLANDERS

        I just want to be loved

        BART

        I didn't fight in Iraq for this FLANDERS

        I want weed and a family of my own HOMER

        Calm down

        FLANDERS

        I think this spice was laced

        MARGE

        Chevron didn't lace your K2

        BART

        Is he serious?

        HOMER

        Yep

        BART

        Why are you like this, Flanders?

        FLANDERS

        Please. I respect you. Don't do this to me?

        BART

        Why did you drain my father's grav bong?

        LISA

        We can't handle you right now, Flanders HOMER

        He can't even handle himself

        FLANDERS

        I just want to hotbox

        BART

        Be gone.

        MARGE

        This is so intrusive, Ned.

        LISA

        He doesn't have a family so he doesn't know what it's like

        HOMER

        OK that's kind of harsh.

        HOMER

        Flanders is a nuisance but he has a pure heart LISA

        I agree with the first part of that sentence.

        BART

        He's got to go

        FLANDERS

        [desperately inhaling the secondhand weed smoke]

        BART

        This is grim.

        MARGE

        There's no THC in that smoke. He's wasting his time.

        HOMER

        He's making a fool of himself.

        LISA

        He always does.

        BART

        He has a problem. There's something wrong with his mind.

        FLANDERS

        I'm sorry about the bathtub.

        HOMER

        It was a gravity bong.

        FLANDERS

        I'm sorry about the gravity bong.

        HOMER

        It's not about that.

        HOMER

        You're upsetting my family and ruining my son's return home from the military.

        FLANDERS

        I wanted to pay my respects.

        HOMER

        You've paid your respects, so much so that we've lost almost all respect for you. Take what's left and go home. Go to bed.

        FLANDERS

        I'm going home now. I'm sorry

        LISA

        You're sorry alright

        HOMER

        That's enough, Lisa

        BART

        He makes me sick

        FLANDERS

        I'm going

        BART

        I didn't fight in Iraq for this.

        MARGE

        We know, Bart. We know

        BART

        Ridiculous.

        HOMER

        He's a ridiculous man.

        LISA

        I wish he was dead

        MARGE

        Lisa! Too much!

        BART

        Don't talk like that, Lisa. Death is serious.

        HOMER

        She's a rude girl sometimes

        HOMER

        I just realized my bread is almost done. I'll be right back.

        BART

        He bakes now?

        MARGE

        He's really good at it.

        BART

        So much has changed.

        MARGE

        We've been through a lot, Bart.

        BART

        I've changed.

        LISA

        We still love you.

        BART

        You don't know what I've done.

        MARGE

        I don't need to know. You're my son.

        BART

        [hits the blunt] Cool.

        HOMER

        Hot pans coming through. Clear a space. Move that candle. [Homer sets two loaf pans on the wrought iron cafe table]

        HOMER

        This one is zucchini-pumpkin, that one is banana.

        BART

        Zucchini-pumpkin?! Gourmet chef Homer!

        HOMER

        [blushing] It's just a hobby

        MARGE

        It's not just a hobby. He's really good BART

        Dad, this is incredible. I'm going to gain back all the weight I lost in the army.

        BART

        I would order this at a restaurant. I'm serious.

        HOMER

        Thanks. I've been working on my recipes a lot lately.

        BART

        Dad, I gotta ask... Is there herb in this bread?

        MARGE

        He doesn't do that

        HOMER

        My cooking and my blazing are completely separate MARGE

        It's healthy to have a hobby. An outlet for your frustrations and pain

        BART

        Mom...

        MARGE

        I'm just saying, Bart.

        BART

        The things I've seen, the pain I feel... Baking bread isn't going to help that.

        MARGE

        You could write about it.

        BART

        How do you write about things so horrifying you can't even describe them?

        MARGE

        I'm just trying to help.

        HOMER

        Leave the boy alone

        MARGE

        I'm his mother

        HOMER

        He was a soldier. He'll always carry that with him BART

        He's right

        BART

        I appreciate you trying to help, but I'm not ready yet. Maybe one day. In the meantime I just want to blaze and eat this banana bread LISA

        The heart wants what it wants.

        BART

        And this bong wants to get packed to the brim with fluffy purple kush. Let's do this.

        LISA

        Is this the blueberry kush?

        HOMER

        It's called "Grape Ape"

        MARGE

        It's fire.

        LISA

        I'm glad we're a family again

        BART

        We were too hard on Flanders

        HOMER

        He has to learn

        MARGE

        He drained the gravity bong.

        BART

        He didn't know

        MARGE

        It was a seasoned grav bong. The water was dark yellow.

        BART

        He meant no harm. We should invite him back over for a toke.

        FLANDERS

        I'm so grateful to be hitting this piece with your family

        HOMER

        Act like you've been there before BART

        Calm down, Flanders

        LISA

        He's coughing up a lung!

        FLANDER

        Sorry

        MARGE

        Do you need some water?

        FLANDER

        I don't usually smoke buds of this quality HOMER

        It hits hard.

        FLANDER

        I'm already blazed.

        HOMER

        You done hitting this?

        FLANDER

        No give me another hit.

        LISA

        He's a masochist.

        FLANDER

        Can I have some of this bread?

        HOMER

        That's for my family.

        BART

        Come on, Flanders, don't eat the bread FLANDERS

        It's so good

        FLANDERS grunts and exhales a huge hit through a mouthful of banana bread

        BART

        This was a mistake

        LISA

        He's disgusting.

        BART

        I'm sorry. I'm trying to be more compassionate.

        HOMER

        It's not your fault. It's his fault. He's an awful man.

        BART

        I love getting high with my family more than anything. But a darkness still lurks inside me. I feel like I don't belong here.

        HOMER

        What's that, Bart?

        BART

        Nothing.

        LISA

        Flanders is making a mess of the gazebo. There are crumbs everywhere.

        BART

        I think this relaxing time spent chiefing kind buds with with my family may only be a temporary calm before my inevitable collapse.

        BART

        Guys, I'm kind of tired. Think I'm going to go to bed.

        HOMER

        Good idea. I think we've all had enough fun for one day.

        LISA

        I'm beat.

        MARGE

        Everybody grab a dish or a bong. Let's go inside.

        From the shadows across the street, MOE watches the family enter the house

        MOE

        They don't know what they have. They don't know what they've lost. [takes last hit of blunt, tosses it onto street]

        MOE

        How I've longed for a son like Ken. Yet these fools let him rot in prison. Alone, all alone. He pushes me away, but he will understand.

        WIGGUM

        The feds are breathing down my neck BURNS

        What do you want me to do?

        WIGGUM

        You have connections.

        BURNS

        Not in the FBI

        WIGGUM

        Fuck... Fuck...

        BURNS

        Calm down. You need to hit this. It's called drips SMITHERS

        Dabs, sir. Not even close

        WIGGUM

        My son is going to grow up without a father. I'm his fucking hero, do you understand? And I'm headed to prison

        BURNS

        Not my problem

        WIGGUM

        After all the times I bailed your guys out of drug trafficking charges

        BURNS

        And I'm grateful for that. But I can't help you.

        WIGGUM

        My son... my family...

        BURNS

        Maybe you should have thought about that before you dishonored your badge so profoundly.

        WIGGUM

        You asked me to

        BURNS

        Yes. YOU. YOU. And YOU did what I asked. And now YOU will face the consequences. Good day, Officer

        Wiggum

        WIGGUM

        Please...

        BURNS

        I can give you my lawyer's business card. That will be the extent of my assistance in this matter.

        LENNY

        The pig's actions are catching up with him.

        CARL

        Our humble town will become smokeless MOE

        Could this be my final joint?

        HOMER

        [hits the blunt, passes it to MARGE]

        MARGE

        [hits the blunt]

        HOMER

        [exhales blunt hit]

        MARGE

        [exhales blunt hit]

        HOMER

        I love Bart

        BART

        I'm ashamed of my actions. I've killed so many people. Each memory is a nightmare that follows me like a shadow. [exhales blunt hit]

        HOMER

        [hits blunt] My family is nearly reunited but our recent traumatic experiences still distance us from one another [exhales blunt hit]

        BART

        I don't deserve to be alive.

        BART

        I wish I could believe in hell so I could know I'd

        end up there. I wish I could believe in anything but death. I belong in hell.

        BART

        My mind is a mass grave.

        BART

        Every moment is a nightmare.

        BART

        [exhales massive hit of blueberry kush]

        LISA

        My brother despairs. His crimes weigh heavy on his mind. He will not accept our forgiveness. There is a darkness in him.

        HOMER

        Outwardly my son appears content to blaze and relax with his family. But there is a shadow in his eyes. He is not really home.

        MARGE

        Wheres the grinder?

        LISA

        In the bathroom

        MARGE

        Why?

        LISA

        Nevermind it's in the freezer for some reason HOMER

        It activates the THC

        MARGE

        That makes sense

        LISA

        Is that true?

        BART

        [exhales blunt hit] I've heard that before. I think it's true

        HOMER

        It's true

        HOMER

        It crystallizes it... makes it stronger MARGE

        That makes sense

        HOMER

        Why would I make that up

        LISA

        [hits blunt] Did you freeze this bud? It's potent.

        HOMER

        You only freeze the grinder. If you freeze the nugs it kills the molecules.

        LISA

        [exhales blunt hit] That makes sense.

        HOMER

        Yeah.

        BART

        [hits blunt] I'm craving eggs for some reason.

        MARGE

        We're out of eggs.

        BART

        All I know is, I'm blazed out of my mind.

        LISA

        Let's try to smoke another ounce today HOMER

        I could do that on my own

        HOMER

        I don't want to go to work today. I'm too high.

        I'd rather spend time with my beautiful family. I want to smoke an ounce of kush.

        INT. Gazebo

        HOMER

        Bart?

        BART

        Don't worry, Apu is on his way.

        HOMER

        Apu can finally feel safe.

        BART

        Can apu hit the grav bong?

        HOMER

        Apu's going to think he's smoking his own sweaty bath water

        BART

        How yellow was it?

        HOMER

        It looked toxic.

        HOMER

        Apu's bath water looked toxic but it went down like Arizona chilled tea

        BART

        Did it hasten the process by which THC affects you?

        HOMER

        I don't want to talk about it. That water is gone.

        BART

        That's fine, father.

        APU

        I'm here for a dub, I'll smoke it at home.

        BART

        Sit with us.

        HOMER

        Sit down with my family, I'll smoke you up for free.

        APU

        I have my own money, and my own family.

        HOMER

        Just sit down.

        BART

        Sit down in between us.

        APU

        That space is only big enough for a small child.

        BART

        Smoke with us.

        HOMER

        C'mon

        APU

        Fine.

        BART

        Hit this crystal bong. My only spoil of war.

        APU

        This bong is fucked up on so many levels HOMER

        It hits like a dream

        BART

        It will make you really high.

        APU

        I haven't smoked in three hours.

        BART

        I'll help you clear your hit.

        APU

        Thanks.

        HOMER

        Apu?

        APU

        What?

        HOMER

        Why are you avoiding eye contact with me?

        APU

        You're licking your lips a lot.

        HOMER

        They're dry

        APU

        It's creepy.

        HOMER

        I can't stop.

        APU

        They're really chapped and scabby.

        HOMER

        So?

        APU

        I want to use a different piece.

        BART

        We're using this one.

        APU

        I don't want to.

        BART

        Smoke this scabby bong.

        APU

        No.

        BART

        It makes you higher.

        APU

        That makes no fucking sense.

        HOMER

        Sorry that my fucking flesh isn't good enough for you?

        APU

        Nobody would want to do this.

        MAGGIE

        I want a hit, pronto.

        HOMER

        Hey

        MAGGIE

        This bong makes me higher, it's from my dad's THC-

        encrusted lips BART

        I can't stop hitting this smelly weed.

        MAGGIE

        Is it the weed that smells? Or the top of the bong?

        BART

        This bong is turning brown from Homer's dirty mouth

        HOMER

        Am I ruining an ancient piece?

        BART

        You're making it better.

        APU

        I've yet to get high.

        BART

        Hit this.

        APU

        I don't want to. I'm leaving. I'll go through your living room to say bye to Lisa.

        BART, to homer: Lock the fucking doors.

        HOMER

        Apu. You're not leaving my pink house until you hit this.

        APU

        It's really nasty and so fucking weird.

        BART

        Try to leave. I dare you

        MAGGIE

        We're keeping you here until you're high enough to be happy for one fucking second.

        APU

        I'm happy around my real family HOMER

        This is your real family. Does your wife toke with you?

        APU

        She cleans our pieces

        HOMER

        That's a waste. Take a hit.

        APU

        No.

        APU

        If I take a hit from this brown-tinged bong can I leave?

        BART

        Yes

        HOMER

        Yes. But you won't want to.

        APU

        I think I will. [grabs bong]

        APU

        [exhales] The rim of the bong stuck to my lips a little bit.

        BART

        Now we have your skin on it too APU

        It tastes like sewage

        HOMER

        That's just rude.

        APU

        Nothing you guys do is normal. I'm out.

        BART

        Bye you ungrateful bum

        APU

        I'm going to be sick

        BART

        I'm going outside.

        HOMER

        'zebo?

        BART

        Yeah. I'm rolling an L

        HOMER

        I'll be out in a second. I need water. My lips are infected.

        BART

        Maggie, you need to take deeper tokes.

        MAGGIE

        It makes me cough

        BART

        Just breathe in deeper and hold it, coughing makes you higher

        MAGGIE

        How come unsanitary things make weed so much better?

        BART

        I'm not a fucking scientist. Shut your mouth and pass the blunt.

        LISA

        I'm high too. Just kidding. Pass it.

        BART

        I haven't gotten a second hit.

        LISA

        I haven't gotten a first.

        MAGGIE

        I'm already good.

        LISA

        I still dream about spice. Let me hit that weed.

        BART

        Sometimes, I think of you hitting spice, and I get so mad that I have to smoke

        LISA

        You're always smoking.

        BART

        I'm always mad.

        LISA

        You smoked long before I hit spice.

        BART

        So? I wanted to kill myself.

        LISA

        You never told us why.

        BART

        I was sober.

        LISA

        So?

        BART

        Do you need to hear more? I was sober for 8 years.

        I wanted to die.

        LISA

        You were 8 years old.

        BART

        There's more to it than that.

        LISA

        Like?

        BART

        I'll tell you if I can actually get a fucking hit today

        HOMER

        Guys. Leave Bart alone. And roll a second blunt.

        Father is here now.

        LISA

        I love my toking father.

        HOMER

        Apu isn't responding to his texts.

        BART

        Lately, Flanders has filled the role of Apu.

        HOMER

        [exhales] Apu is lame now MAGGIE

        Look at this

        LISA

        What the fuck is that?

        MAGGIE

        A giant flying fox. A type of bat. It's called a

        "megabat"

        LISA

        That's horrifying

        BART

        Stop showing us these weird rodent pictures on your phone.

        LISA

        I like my new smartphone

        BART

        Turn it off

        HOMER

        I always thought that I'd die from some kind of rodent.

        LISA

        Bats aren't rodents.

        HOMER

        That shit looks like any other rat MAGGIE

        Sorry for using your phone for this, sister.

        LISA

        It's why I got it.

        BART

        Shut your mouths and smoke

        HOMER

        I'm too high to look at this shit. I need to go outside.

        MAGGIE

        Did I upset you, father?

        HOMER

        I hate you kids sometimes

        BART

        Dad things bats are rodents.

        LISA

        I pissed him off.

        MAGGIE

        I started it.

        HOMER

        Just shut the fuck up please

        HOMER

        They shouldn't be able to fly. They have normal bones.

        BART

        Birds can fly because of their hollow bones. Bats have normal ones.

        LISA

        So bats aren't birds?

        MAGGIE

        I think they're bugs

        BART

        They eat bird bones, that helps them stay in the air.

        HOMER

        Obviously

        CARL

        Will a bat carry the world on its wings?

        CARL

        It's small body has a fierce passion.

        BART

        Why are you in our gazebo?

        HOMER

        Ew

        LISA

        Who the fuck is that guy?

        MAGGIE

        Call the cops.

        CARL

        Wait I'm sor-

        HOMER

        He's still talking.

        BART

        He speaks nonsense.

        HOMER

        Where is my wife

        CARL

        The beautiful Simpson wife invited me into your stoner's paradise.

        BART

        This guy is obnoxious

        HOMER

        I'm high

        LISA

        I'm really nervous. This guy is just staring into space.

        HOMER

        His eyes are glazed over

        BART

        He's probably high.

        CARL

        I fucked up.

        HOMER

        I saw this guy at work. He was sitting alone in a closet rolling Js out of sandpaper BART

        He's probably psychotic.

        HOMER

        You're in my gazebo, uninvited. You can either start smoking, and stop talking, or leave with the authorities.

        CAR

        ....

        BART

        This is a nightmare. I'm going skating.

        LISA

        Can I tag along?

        BART

        Can you leave me the fuck alone and let me grind in piece?

        BART

        I want to die more than anything.

        MOE

        That fucking Homer only ever invites apu to his house. Never room for me.

        BARNEY

        Marge was always nice to you

        MOE

        Marge....

        MOE

        Marge can smoke like the rest of the guys BARNEY

        She smokes weed in order to become stoned and hungry

        MOE

        a green Venus

        FLANDERS

        I disagree with Islam.

        BART

        What do you know about it?

        FLANDERS

        I just don't like it.

        BART

        That's idiotic.

        HOMER

        I'm so tired. Instead of sleeping I'm going to smoke some more green. I know it's unhealthy but I can't stop. I love smoking weed.

        HOMER

        I am a drug addict.

        HOMER

        I've denied it for decades but I know it's true.

        HOMER

        I need help with my drug problem. I can't control myself. I'm a weed smoking machine.

        HOMER

        No matter what I'm doing, I'm always chasing that next nug.

        HOMER

        Weed smoke clouds every memory and experience. My life is a waking dream.

        HOMER

        I wanted to be an artist once. Now I mechanically pursue the means to stay blazed. I am a slave to this wicked plant.

        HOMER

        Movies, TV, music, "Stoner culture"...They sanction and glorify full blown drug addiction. I didnt realize this until it was too late HOMER

        I need to take a walk.

        Scene: Simpson blvd.

        SKINNER

        Hey Homer. You look...sober?

        HOMER

        I'm going through some shit

        SKINNER

        Toke with me?

        HOMER

        Nah but...what's that? A blunt?

        SKINNER

        It's a Swisher sweet.

        HOMER

        Lemme hit that

        HOMER

        [exhaling] This shit taste like gumdrop pillows.

        SKINNER

        They cost two dollars a pack

        HOMER

        I love this already

        HOMER

        I'm inhaling the smoke all the way into my lungs, holding it in and then exhaling.

        SKINNER

        Don't do that.

        HOMER

        Too late.

        HOMER

        I'm going to buy a pack.

        SKINNER

        I think you should chill with bud HOMER

        I literally need more Swishers to stay "okay".

        INT. Apu's shoppe

        HOMER

        Hey man.

        APU

        Uh... hey.

        HOMER

        You lose your phone?

        APU

        no....why

        HOMER

        ...

        HOMER

        Just give me a pack of your sweetest swishers.

        APU

        Why are your eyes white?

        HOMER

        Swishers, please.

        APU

        Okay.

        APU

        Homer is a lonely guy. He's been through hell.

        Maybe I've been an asshole. He makes me really uncomfortable though.

        APU

        He's kind to me in a weird way. But his scabs and odor get to me. I can't believe I bathed in his pink house.

        APU

        Maybe I should stop by.

        MARGE

        [picking up phone] Hello?

        MOE

        Hey marge.

        MARGE

        Hey....what's wrong?

        MOE

        Just wanted to see how you're doing MARGE

        I'm high

        MOE

        I'd like to get some of your bud

        MARGE

        This household is weird today. Homer hasn't smoked for hours.

        MOE

        I'll come toke

        MARGE

        That'd be nice, moe.

        MOE

        Yeah....

        MARGE

        Youll get greens

        MOE

        No shit I'll get greens are you kidding me?

        HOMER

        Ah man...Burns' plant. Haven't been here in a while. I'll pop in.

        BURNS

        Look what Marley dragged in.

        HOMER

        What the fuck

        HOMER

        Don't take Bob's name in vein.

        BURNS

        Fuck yourself, stoner. You haven't been to work in a year.

        HOMER

        You son of a bitch

        BURNS

        You're smoking an M right now.

        HOMER

        It's an "L", first of all, secondly this is a weedless cigarillo.

        BURNS

        It smells like pie

        HOMER

        This shit taste like dental bill debt BURNS

        You're an addict.

        HOMER

        I'm off weed now. This is enough for me.

        BURNS

        Did you come here to blow smoke in my face?

        HOMER

        I came here to think.

        BURNS

        Ah, but not to work. Never to work.

        HOMER

        Scrub off

        BURNS

        What?

        HOMER

        Sorry. I quit three hours ago. I'm still low.

        BURNS

        I don't know what that means.

        HOMER

        Post-emblazoned

        BURNS

        ah

        BURNS

        You could have had it all here, Homer.

        HOMER

        I don't want it.

        BURNS

        You don't know what goes on behind the scenes HOMER

        You push.

        HOMER

        We all know you sell weed.

        BURNS

        How..

        HOMER

        Sonic has loose lips.

        BURNS

        Not about his father.

        HOMER

        True. He misses him.

        BURNS

        That kid needs to see someone.

        HOMER

        That kid needs to get beat up

        BURNS

        Be nice.

        HOMER

        He's a prick.

        BURNS

        Before you go, I have an offer for you.

        HOMER

        What?

        BURNS

        I need someone to sell for me.

        HOMER

        I don't carry brick anymore.

        BURNS

        This isn't brick. It's smaller scale.

        HOMER

        No hash? no kush?

        BURNS

        Seeds and stems.

        HOMER

        What?

        BURNS

        We need someone on the elementary school front.

        HOMER

        You want me to sell stems to children?

        BURNS

        They'll buy anything.

        BURNS

        We package them in empty Doritos bags and sell them in the woods.

        HOMER

        Why empty Doritos bags?

        BURNS

        They can chow on the flavor dust when they're high.

        HOMER

        ...that's torture.

        BURNS

        They like it.

        HOMER

        They don't know any better.

        BURNS

        It's called project Plaseedbo and it works wonders.

        HOMER

        These kids need real pot.

        BURNS

        And you don't?

        HOMER

        I'm different.

        BURNS

        Take it or leave it, Simon.

        HOMER

        It's Simpson.

        BURNS

        Seeds and stems my boy. Seeds and stems.

        HOMER

        Fuck off

        MOE

        Marge. It's been so long.

        MARGE

        Last time I saw you, you were drunk and your balls were hanging out.

        MOE

        I fucked up

        MARGE

        We all do. Have some hash.

        MOE

        I can't smoke brown stuff. It will make me couch locked.

        MAGGIE

        This is good hash, though.

        MOE

        Just give me a hit of your lightest green shit.

        Sativa shit for me.

        MARGE

        Here you go man.

        MOE

        I'm high just looking at this

        BART

        You're kidding, dad... You're giving up kush?

        HOMER

        I'm interested in finance now.

        BART

        That's bullshit.

        HOMER

        It's what I want.

        BART

        What the hell are you smoking?

        HOMER

        It's a fruit punch Swisher.

        BART

        We used to smoke the finest herb.

        HOMER

        It tastes like candy.

        HOMER

        I want to live a sober life. I'm tired of my desire for marijuana determining every aspect of my existence.

        BART

        Fuck this.

        HOMER

        I know you're angry but this makes me happy.

        BART

        Fuck your happiness.

        HOMER

        Bart--

        BART

        I didn't fight in Iraq for this.

        HOMER

        Weed smoker Homer was a zombie, an addict. Sober Homer is a complete human being.

        BART

        Weed smoker Homer was my father.

        LATER

        MARGE

        My husband left behind sixteen kilos of fluffy green and purple buds

        MOE

        He loves his family.

        MARGE

        He loved getting high..

        MOE

        He was a true smoker.

        MARGE

        ...[sobs]

        MOE

        Marge...I'm here for you... [MOE leans in for a kiss]

        APU

        Hello and sorry Hom-

        APU

        What on God's green Earth is going on here?

        MOE

        Apu, you piece of shit. Why are you here? You hate these people.

        MARGE flees

        APU

        I came here to apologize to the lonely yellow man MOE

        You've overstepped your boundaries. I'M the new man of this pot den

        APU

        I've been high as fuck with this man and his young children for years

        MOE

        I supplied that ungrateful, unloving bald fuck APU

        At the end, he was smoking six bricks of hash and 2 ounces a day

        MOE

        He smoked like a champion but he loved like a coward

        APU

        Get the fuck away from me. I'm calling Homer.

        MOE

        He's selfish. He's out there, sober, thinking things over, he won't believe you APU

        Homer loves me more than anyone or anything. He snapchatted me every blunt he rolled for four years

        MOE

        Leave. Or I'll get serious.

        APU

        Put that away..

        MOE

        [with gun] Get the FUCK out. I NEED this Apu. I need to smoke pot with this divine woman and her kids

        APU

        No..

        Moe chases Apu upstairs

        MOE

        You're cornered now. Leave. I'll step aside. But if you stay here, I can't guarantee your safety.

        APU

        [brandishing straight-razor] Homer would want this.

        MOE

        Homer wanted nothing but to get lifted out of his shitty mind with his son.

        MOE

        He had that kid and did nothing but corrupt him, he turned him against the rest of his family, and kept him as a weed smoking pet

        MOE

        Homer forgot about what made him love Marge. her gentle laugh. Her massive tokes, and her rolling skills. Among other things.

        MOE

        Homer....that piece of shit. He always had what I never did. I rolled in cash and free bud, but I

        never spent the night with a woman.

        MOE

        Now I'm taking what I deserve. What I've worked my entire life for. A family. And you're going to die in this humid bathroom.

        MOE

        Any last words?

        APU

        You...will never...have her....

        Moe fires gun, Apu stumbles backwards and falls into bathtub, his legs just missing the Grav bottle. He bleeds out into the water

        APU

        ...my blood.....will make them higher...and stronger....as a family

        MOE

        My kids will only smoke bones now. But nice try.

        MOE

        Holy shit. I'm blazed. Marge?

        MARGE

        Moe...Moe what the fuck?

        MOE

        I'm a dealer. This happens.

        MARGE

        I'm calling the cops

        MOE

        Don't

        MOE

        I did this so we could be together.

        MARGE

        I just wanted to toke with you, you psycho MOE

        I thought...

        MARGE

        I'm going to throw up MARGE

        The atmosphere here is drying the weed out MOE

        Marge...I thought you loved me

        MARGE

        I only love smoking pot and becoming stoned MOE

        I'm leaving

        MARGE

        I called the cops

        MOE

        I made a horrible mistake

        MARGE

        Wait...

        MOE

        Marge....?

        MARGE

        Don't bic me, fucker.

        MOE

        My entire life I've wanted nothing but the love of a family. But I got into dealing and drinking and nobody loved me. I'm hideous.

        MOE

        I can't relate to anything or anyone unless it has bundles of cash and a bulging sandwich baggie of fire.

        MOE

        O, wicked fate, why did you lead me astray from society? The path I followed has room only for a single soul.

        MOE, walking in rain: How futile my attempts to blaze and chill with lovers and friends have been. I'm cold to the touch, I'm selfish

        MOE

        O, world! O, sky! This somber rain you pour upon me, it is not enough. I deserve punishment! I deserve to suffer! Take me, lord.

        MOE

        If no one else in this world will take me, won't you? Take me into your arms, a sensation I haven't felt since my childhood with Mum.

        MOE

        Lord in heaven! Creator of worlds! Toke with me!

        Toke with me in the eternal beyond and let us rejoice in celestial bud.

        MOE

        I've exhaled pot smoke alone, alone in a damp bar for my entire life. I'm surrounded by people but...I'm ultimately by myself.

        MOE

        In a desperate attempt to secure love for myself, I have ruined a family. I took what wasn't mine. I strayed from the path of fate.

        MOE

        This....This is my absolution.

        Moe lifts revolver to his head MOE

        If I could see them all now. All the people I hurt...

        MOE

        If I could see them and tell them where my stash is. Just to make up for the lives I've ruined.

        Would they understand?

        MOE

        I filled a role. A necessary role in this. Without me as a catalyst, things would not move forward.

        But I went too far.

        MOE

        I hurt the only people who trusted me. And now, here, I face my cosmic exoneration. In front of my pub...I built this.

        MOE

        After all of this, I understand. Weed was everything. Weed and cash. Man delights not me!

        Bud, tender bud. Take me home.

        GUNSHOT

        MAGGIE

        This grav bong is hitting so hard.

        LISA

        The smoke has a copper taste

        MARGE

        [sobs]

        LISA

        Mom? You need some snacks?

        MAGGIE

        Let's get so high that we trip.

        LISA

        I'm budded out

        FLANDERS

        I'm sorry I ruined this before, it's hitting hard, what's your secret

        MARGE

        [through tears] I'm a terrible mother.

        MAGGIE

        All moms should watch their kids get high LISA

        I'm thinking about bats again

        FLANDERS

        I think you put watermelon lokos in this. Kudos to Apu.

        MAGGIE

        Apu must have graced our bong again LISA

        Praise be to him

        FLANDERS

        I'm going to stay here a while and smoke your weed, you cool?

        MAGGIE

        Our dad quit, so go ahead.

        FLANDERS

        What?

        FLANDERS

        Who could quit when you have hits as coppery as this.

        MAGGIE

        Copper Diesel is the new shit

        LISA

        I read it in High Times

        FLANDERS

        [exhaling] I'm gonna go in the kitchen and lick my lips for a bit.

        MAGGIE

        Flanders chilled out.

        LISA

        Ned's good now.

        FLANDERS

        [aside] Phew. I can't compete with hits this coppery. I need to steal this piece. I have Nelson in my basement producing spice.

        FLANDERS

        If I can give him this grav bong, he can analyze it, and make a THC analogue that will make me rich..then I can buy a real dub.

        INT. Flanders' basement

        NELSON

        [under breath] I hate my new dad. I hate my new dad. I hate my new dad. I hate my new dad.

        FLANDERS

        Could I borrow this bottle? I wanna figure out the science behind it

        MAGGIE

        It's simple you fucking dolt. A vacuum effect.

        FLANDERS

        Ah, I...I just don't really get those vocabulary words. I wanna see it myself. You know.

        MAGGIE

        This is our piece.

        LISA

        Yeah

        MAGGIE

        I thought you were chill now?

        FLANDERS

        I want to support myself, just trying to learn more about weed.

        LISA

        Bugger off then

        FLANDERS

        Can I spend the night?

        MAGGIE

        And eat our snacks?

        LISA

        Contribute once in a while, won't ya?

        FLANDERS

        I'm going to throw a fit

        FLANDERS

        Fuck this. I'm lying down on the couch.

        MAGGIE

        Bye

        MARGE

        Please calm down everyone. Calm down and keep smoking.

        BART enters

        BART

        Mom. What the fuck is dad's problem?

        MARGE

        Language, Bart.

        BART

        This is serious. He's sober.

        MARGE

        It's a phase

        BART

        He's smoking swisher cigars.

        MARGE

        I can't handle any more of this. I'm going to explode.

        BART

        You smoked too much today

        MARGE

        I'm freaking the fuck out. I can feel my heart pounding out of my chest. I need to sit down.

        BART

        I saw people die over there. Relax MARGE

        Stop bringing up your tour in the middle east.

        BART

        I'm just saying. You've seen nothing.

        MARGE

        Oh god, oh my fucking god. Help me.

        [heaving] Help me please. Oh my god.

        BART

        This is dad's fault. All of this is dad's fault.

        I'll never forgive him.

        Marge sobs

        BART

        Sisters.

        LISA

        What?

        BART

        I've been home ten minutes. Yet...I haven't had a hit?

        MAGGIE

        Take one. This grav bong is sweet.

        BART

        [exhaling] This is..is this Apu's work? I've tasted this somewhere before.

        MAGGIE

        It's good shit

        BART

        Why am I shaking? What is this?

        BART

        Why is dad's razor on the floor?

        MAGGIE

        He probably dropped it from being too sober LISA

        He's not used to having motor skills.

        BART

        This is sketchy.

        MAGGIE

        Keep smoking. There's a new digital short I want to show you.

        BART

        No, no, something is wrong here.

        BART

        I'm going to the gazebo.

        MARGE

        Bart, don't.

        BART

        Why?

        MARGE

        Don't go in there.

        BART

        What are you hiding, wench?

        Marge sobs

        BART

        What am I going to see when I go into that Gazebo?

        MARGE

        Bart, don't.

        BART

        Get the fuck off me!

        Bart exits

        MARGE

        Oh fuck!

        INT. Gazebo. Apu's body lays sprawled out on a lawn chair, a trail of blood dripping to the floor BART

        Holy shit. [lights joint]

        BART

        Mother?

        MARGE

        Bart I-

        BART

        Did you kill this guy?

        MARGE

        No b-

        BART

        Are you pieces of shit smoking legal bud again?

        BART

        This isn't good. You know that right? We won't get away with this. Fuck. Fuck, mother. I'm going to have to take the blame for this.

        MARGE

        It wasn't me. I swear.

        BART

        Who else was in this house?

        MARGE

        Oh my god

        BART

        Who was it?

        MARGE

        You're going to kill him.

        BART

        Tell me who did this.

        MARGE

        I need time. I can't describe what happened.

        BART

        Wait. Did I see Flanders on the couch? Holy shit.

        MARGE

        Bart, no.

        BART

        Fuck this

        Bart exits gazebo. Marge looks once again at Apu. She begins panicking, while continuously ripping a pipe EXT. Springfield elementary

        HOMER

        Hey, kid.

        MARTIN

        Mr. Simpson! What are you doing here?

        HOMER

        You want to toke it?

        MARTIN

        ...yes

        HOMER

        I got a bag for you, 2 grams, $60.

        MARTIN

        That's pricey.

        HOMER

        Take it or leave it.

        MARTIN

        ...I'll take it.

        MARTIN

        This is just stems and seeds?

        HOMER

        This is coveted. Chewing stems makes you high as shit. Plus you can grow. Now beat it.

        MARTIN

        Give me my money back!

        HOMER

        I have to feed my family. Get lost.

        MARTIN

        I'm telling my dad.

        HOMER

        You'll tell no one if I kill ya MARTIN

        You used to be chill, Mr. Simpson.

        HOMER

        Things change. I'm a working man now. Eat your stems.

        HOMER

        I kind of want to smoke.

        BENDER

        Be my guest? I don't give a shit. You smoke all the time.

        HOMER

        I'm sober now.

        BENDER

        Since when?

        HOMER

        Six hours ago.

        BENDER

        That's enough for a good tolerance break.

        HOMER

        It's not a T-break.

        BENDER

        Listen, I don't give a shit about your problems. I just deliver stems for you to sell to children.

        HOMER

        Kids need real pot.

        HOMER

        little kids need REAL kush to smoke or else they'll be ripped off all their lives. They'll be smoking regs when they're 30.

        BENDER

        Not my problem. I fucking sell regs.

        HOMER

        Yeah, you're kind of a prick for that.

        BENDER

        Go away

        HOMER

        no

        BENDER

        Go away you mean guy

        HOMER

        I'm mean when I'm sober, deal with it.

        LENNY

        The merchant's cherry has been snuffed out.

        CARL

        By the hand of a desperate toker.

        MAN

        ¿Cuándo terminará?

        BART

        [holding a knife] Get the fuck up Flanders FLANDERS

        Bart?

        BART

        I'm going to kill your ass

        FLANDERS

        But why?

        BART

        You drained my family's precious grav bong, and now you've desecrated our gazebo with a corpse.

        You are the least chill.

        FLANDERS

        There's a corpse in the gazebo?

        BART

        You get so high you don't remember killing a man?

        Are you that lightweight? [exhales hit]

        FLANDERS

        I might be a lightweight but I'm not a fucking murderer. You're projecting. Maybe you did it.

        BART

        What?

        FLANDERS

        You're a trained killer. You probably miss it.

        BART

        That's fucked up.

        FLANDERS

        It's true. You're a machine.

        FLANDERS

        You're in denial. Maybe that's why this happened.

        you're trying to repress it, and now it manifests in a real murder.

        BART

        Why would I kill on American Soil?

        FLANDERS

        Maybe you're a psycho. Maybe you were too high.

        Maybe you're just a racist.

        BART

        I'm not a fucking racist.

        FLANDERS

        You're a killer, though.

        BART

        I've killed many, true but-FLANDERS

        What's one more to you?

        BART

        I need another hit.

        FLANDERS

        You killed him.

        BART

        I need to smoke, right now.

        FLANDERS

        Admit it.

        BART

        Fuck off!

        FLANDERS

        With pleasure. This family is fucked up. I miss my son, and don't want you to kill me too. Goodbye.

        BART

        What have I done?

        MAGGIE

        Why are we in this closet?

        LISA

        We're hotboxing it.

        MAGGIE

        With weed?

        LISA

        What else, dear sister of mine? What else.

        MAGGIE

        [lighting bowl] That grav bong is hitting intensely.

        LISA

        It's an intense high, i can barely move. It tickles.

        MAGGIE

        I know why dad licked his lips all the time now.

        LISA

        Father....did he take one toke too many?

        MAGGIE

        I love him...

        LISA

        Guess what I just found [exhales]

        MAGGIE

        What?

        LISA

        This was my first roach.

        MAGGIE

        It's drier than bird bones

        LISA

        Stop!

        LISA

        This takes me back. Bart, Ken Father and Mother...and me...before you were born.

        MAGGIE

        Even then?

        LISA

        We toked almost nonstop.

        LISA

        We'd sit in the treehouse, watching the gazebo get built. We passed joint after joINT.

        MAGGIE

        No bongs yet?

        LISA

        Just Js.

        MAGGIE

        What was it like?

        LISA

        We always tried to keep a patch of sky above our lives...

        MAGGIE

        Proust?

        LISA

        We read Proust.

        MAGGIE

        All of it?

        LISA

        We sat down, smoked weed and read the entire thing.

        MAGGIE

        What happened?

        LISA

        ...We smoked too much. We fiended.

        MAGGIE

        But you were already smoking all the time?

        LISA

        We'd get high off one joint, then smoke another 3

        hours later.

        MAGGIE

        Damn.

        LISA

        After a while, father started to bring burlap sacks of kush home every day. We were smoking nonstop. We got three bongs. The cat died.

        LISA

        We knew we'd always have bud. We cleaned our pieces daily, we never would have needed resin...we never imagined that happening.

        MAGGIE

        I'm going to cry.

        LISA

        Sister, it was heaven for a while but...we stopped caring about art. We stopped really talking.

        LISA

        We were constantly scheming to get higher than one another. One time mother got so high that she ran into the woods for three days.

        LISA

        But still, when we were together, it was good...you remember. We loved each other. We just couldn't stop re-upping. We couldn't stop..

        LISA

        Then, the terrorists struck... they knocked those towers down and our family was destroyed.

        MAGGIE

        Brother Bart went away...

        LISA

        Why did this shit happen to us? Why couldn't we live in Croatia or something?

        MAGGIE

        I don't know. Maybe it was fate.

        LISA

        Fate...

        LISA

        Was it fate that our brother became an instrument of death? That our father now smokes swishers?

        MAGGIE

        I don't know. Maybe.

        LISA

        I just wish we could go back. Back to when weed was fun. We'd just get high and laugh a lot. We never asked for any of this, sister.

        MAGGIE

        Lisa?

        LISA

        Yes, sister?

        MAGGIE

        It's not a microphone.

        LISA

        Oh-sorry [takes big fat hit]

        INMATE

        Ken, we need some help over in G Block, can you help out?

        KEN

        Sure, no problem.

        INMATE

        Thanks bro

        INMATE

        The cord on the buffer is tangled. It's in the utility closet. I'll wait over here.

        KEN

        Cool. Be right back.

        KEN enters the utility closet. Someone shuts the door. INMATE

        2 comes up behind him and wraps a garrote around his throat INMATE 2

        Officer Wiggum sends his regards, you rat fuck.

        KEN manages to rasp out "Marijuana has torn this family apart"

        before succumbing to death

        HOMER

        [exhales Mango Grape Mist Swisher Sweet smoke] I'm starting to feel good about my life. Quitting weed was the right thing to do.

        HOMER

        I want to go home to see my beautiful family. I love them more than ever now that I'm sober. My mind is clear and I love my wife.

        HOMER

        Everything is getting better. The winds of sobriety have dispersed the fog of kush malaise. I love being alive.

        HOMER

        [exhales Swisher smoke] What the fuck?

        MARGE

        Homer, let me explain.

        HOMER

        Dear God. Dear God. Jesus fucking Christ.

        MARGE

        Please

        HOMER

        What did you to do him? What did you do to my beautiful friend?

        MARGE

        Something bad happened

        HOMER

        He's dead... He's fucking dead

        MARGE

        Moe... He... He came over to blaze.

        HOMER

        What was Moe doing here?

        MARGE

        Doesn't matter... He... got in a fight with Apu MARGE

        Moe was high out of his mind. He shouldn't smoke hash.

        HOMER

        He was in my home? Smoking my family's hash?

        MARGE

        You quit smoking

        HOMER

        Maybe I shouldn't have. Even when I was smoking an ounce a day it was never this bad. Maybe sobriety was a mistake.

        MARGE

        This isn't your fault, Homer. Moe was unhinged. He was lonely. Apu was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

        HOMER

        Why aren't the cops here yet?

        MARGE

        I didn't call yet.

        HOMER

        What the fuck? What is wrong with you people?

        MARGE

        I'm so faded.

        WIGGUM

        Thanks for calling, Homer. Unfortunately I have some more bad news. We found Moe's body on the way over here. Self inflicted gunshot HOMER

        When will this violence end?

        MARGE

        [sobbing]

        WIGGUM

        [aside] This all worked out pretty well for me HOMER

        What?

        WIGGUM

        Nothing.

        HOMER

        How could you let this happen, Marge?

        MARGE

        I need to keep smoking.

        HOMER

        You're pathetic.

        MARGE

        Don't push your sobriety on me

        MARGE

        Everyone knows it's not going to last.

        HOMER

        Fuck you.

        MARGE

        You're a bad father.

        HOMER

        You let my friends die.

        MARGE

        Go smoke your fruity little cigars.

        HOMER

        They're cigarillos.

        MARGE

        They're shit.

        HOMER

        They make me happy.

        HOMER

        I smoke them because they help me relax. It's not about the flavors.

        MARGE

        I saw your flavor chart. Stop lying.

        HOMER

        Leave me alone.

        MARGE

        You used to appreciate the complex natural aromas of kush.

        WIGGUM

        I have to go. Sorry about your friends.

        MAGGIE

        Hello?

        VOICE

        Hello, are you related to Ken Simpson?

        MAGGIE

        That's my brother, yes.

        VOICE

        There's been an incident.

        VOICE

        We need someone to come down to the county morgue to identify a body.

        MAGGIE

        [drops phone]

        VOICE

        Ms. Simpson?

        MAGGIE

        No.... no....

        BART

        Since my return the world has only grown darker. I thought I could repair them and myself. But my return was just the final blow

        BART

        These innocents are suffering for my crimes.

        President Bush has announced a troop surge in Iraq. PMC services will be in demand.

        BART

        I'll talk to my contacts at Blackwater. I must return to that treacherous region. I cannot cause any more suffering at home.

        GUARD

        Sir, the people are trying to tear down the compound gates.

        MILLHOUSE

        Christ almighty this feels like it might be the end

        GUARD

        The people on TV are calling it "The Arab Spring."

        We don't have the manpower to stop the protesters.

        MILLHOUSE

        Go home to your wife

        MILLHOUSE

        I dug my own grave. You guards don't deserve to die for my hubris and greed.

        GUARD

        What will you do sir?

        MILLHOUSE

        [lights huge blunt] I'm staying here. These people deserve justice

        GUARD

        Sir...

        MILLHOUSE

        Go to your family. You owe me nothing MILLHOUSE

        May this "Arab Spring" end the long winter of suffering at the hands of profiteers and

        warmongers such as myself. [hits blunt]

        HOMER

        Suddenly my son and two friends have vanished from the earth. How I miss my fragrant kush! But I will stay strong.

        HOMER

        Although I want more than anything to spark a fat blunt, I will continue to puff on this weedless cigarillo.

        HOMER

        If I give in I will lose everything. What remains of my life depends on these fruity Swishers.

        HOMER

        Dear God give me the strength to smoke these Swisher Sweet blunts until the end of my life. I want to be sober forever.

        MARGE

        My son is dead, strangled in the bowels of a corrupt prison. My husband's friends are dead. My other son is going to Iraq.

        LISA

        [simultaneously] One brother, dead. The other, violent, aloof. Our father, struggling with sobriety. What will become of us HOMER

        I need Swishers

        BART

        I need to kill

        MARGE

        I miss my son

        MAGGIE

        I don't feel safe

        LISA

        I need to get higher

        MARGE

        This family

        MAGGIE

        We need

        BART

        Marijuana, Marijuana

        HOMER

        Swisher

        MAGGIE

        Marijuana, marijuana

        HOMER

        Swisher

        HOMER

        Swisher

        MARGE

        The marijuana plant

        HOMER

        Sober

        BART

        Weed smoke washes

        MARGE

        The blood from his hands

        LENNY

        This fallen family

        CARL

        This fallen family

        MARGE

        We need the herb

        CARL

        They need the herb

        LENNY

        The marijuana herb

        HOMER

        ♫ Once I smoked these nugs of green, Family torn, Family ripped,

        Like the bong.My teenage son despairs. My teenage

        son despairs

        MARGE

        ♫ Homer! O, Homer! Thou innocent stoner. ♫

        MAGGIE

        ♫ He's sober, He's sober.

        MARGE

        ♫ He's dead to this world!♫

        BART

        ♫ Ours is a world of dank nugs and brown hash, Our sober patriarch will never survive♫

        Our sober patriarch will never survive♫

        LISA

        ♫ Simpson and Homer♫

        MAGGIE

        ♫ Homer is sober♫

        LISA

        ♫ Simpson and Homer♫

        MAGGIE

        ♫ Over and over♫

        HOMER

        ♫ My teenage son named Bart despairs♫

        ♫ Toking in his room upstairs♫

        HOMER

        ♫ His violent past has hurt his mind He endlessly seeks nugs to grind♫

        ♫ How will we escape this bind♫

        ♫ I miss my son

        I love my son♫

        HOMER

        ♫ The Swishers soothe my aching brain.

        The fruity flavors help the pain.

        Every Swisher that I spark

        Helps to illuminate the dark♫

        HOMER

        ♫ They killed my son♫

        ♫ They killed my son♫

        ♫ They killed my son♫

        ♫ They killed my son♫

        ♫ They killed my son♫

        ♫ They killed my son♫

        BART

        ♫ I'm going to Iraq

        To do a gun attack

        I'm high on marijuana

        And horrified by what I've done I'm high on marijuana

        I horrify myself!♫

        BART

        ♫ My life is a nightmare♫

        MAGGIE

        ♫ His life is a nightmare♫

        BART

        ♫ My life is a nightmare♫

        FLANDERS

        Listen, son. I know how you can make coppery spice.

        NELSON

        How?

        FLANDERS

        You need human blood.

        NELSON

        That's beyond fucked.

        FLANDERS

        It will make us rich.

        NELSON

        I can't kill! I Just want to smoke.

        FLANDERS

        We can buy our own dubs. Re can roll our own joints.

        NELSON

        Father, I can't do it.

        FLANDERS

        You'll stay in this dark basement making spice forever then. Goodnight, shitstain.

        NELSON

        ...

        NELSON

        [crying]

        ♫ My new dad is an awful guy

        He'll do anything to get high

        I just want a little love

        and a fresh hit of sticky bud♫

        NELSON

        ♫ Somebody somewhere

        Save me from strife

        I'm locked in a basement

        producing some spice♫

        NELSON

        ♫ I want a real father

        So I won't be alone

        I want a true father

        To roll me a bone

        But I stay alone

        I stay alone

        I stay alone♫

        BURNS

        [in shadows]

        ♫ You've got brains kid

        I can't tell a lie

        You've got what it takes

        To keep this town high♫

        NELSON

        Who are you?

        BURNS

        I can be the world to you, young one. I can save you.

        NELSON

        Do you have bud?

        BURNS

        A tanker full

        NELSON

        How did you get in here? How do you know me?

        BURNS

        Flanders brought your shit to me. Not bad for an amateur.

        NELSON

        I want weed

        BURNS

        I can give you pot.

        NELSON

        I want love. I want love and marijuana.

        BURNS

        I'll keep you fucking high, come with me.

        NELSON

        But...my new dad.

        BURNS

        I'm your dad now. And I love you.

        NELSON

        I.....

        BURNS

        I'll treat you right, Nelson.

        NELSON and BURNS

        ♫ Like father and son

        Our love is the future

        The family bong

        Will rip all night long

        Father and son

        Daddy and boy and weed♫

        BURNS, aside: I secured the poor kid. We'll have copper spice in no time.

        SMITHERS

        That's cool. He's cool and so are you.

        BURNS

        You high?

        SMITHERS

        You're just a really cool guy. I'm glad you called me. What do you wanna talk about now?

        BURNS

        Nothing. I need to hang up.

        SMITHERS

        [via text] You're cool man thanks for being my friend. You're smart too.

        BURNS

        This guy sucks.

        NELSON

        He's high and I'm not

        NEXT DAY

        BURNS

        Everyone. This is my boy Nelson. He's not very easy on the eyes, but he makes god spice.

        NELSON

        And I smoke like a pro.

        BENDERS

        I hate this ugly kid.

        SONIC

        I sold stems to his dad for $120. He lost his house. I can't look at this mess.

        MAN

        Fuck him.

        BURNS

        Now, Nelson, I know you know the secret to the Copper Diesel. Why don't you make some for us?

        NELSON

        Uhh...let me smoke first...

        BURNS

        I told you, I'll let you rip a bong once you produce the finest fake bud for us to sell. Now get to work you ugly shit. I love you.

        BURNS

        I love you, you poor piece of crap. you smell like shit and I love you. You will have so much weed if you do this for us, fucker.

        BURNS

        Stop looking at me like that. I'm your dad, but I'm also a business man. I need to run this town.

        You know that. Now make the spice.

        BENDERS

        I'm worried about the escalation in the middle east.

        SONIC

        The people there know what's good for them, just leave it to them

        BENDERS

        I think we should intervene.

        SONIC

        I don't. It's their business. The people of Egypt are full of hope.

        BENDERS

        They need us.

        SONIC

        Why? So we can get a foot in their economy?

        [exhales hit] Egypt is fine without us. They're doing good.

        BENDERS

        They're a mess.

        SONIC

        Just smoke and relax. The crisis in the middle east will resolve itself.

        BENDERS

        We need troops over there. And weapons.

        SONIC

        I think we should cut off ties with Israel BENDERS

        What the fuck?

        SONIC

        It's imperialism BENDERS

        You sick fuck. You sick man.

        BENDERS

        ♫ Israel is heaven on Earth♫

        SONIC

        ♫ chill out and just smoke some herb♫

        BENDERS

        ♫ Israel won't fall with America's help♫

        BENDERS

        ♫ Israel can never do wrong♫

        SONIC

        ♫ Shut up and rip on this bong♫

        BENDERS

        ♫ The IDF

        Justifies death

        Israel is heaven on Earth♫

        BENDERS

        ♫ Can't I be Israeli?

        Can't I be chosen?

        My life here is meaningless

        Israel is my sweet mistress♫

        SONIC

        Okay, I'm done, just take a plane to Israel. Go live there, you monster.

        BENDERS

        You're an anti-semite. Israel is definitely good.

        BENDERS

        I'm leaving, you're right. I'm going to move to Israel, join the IDF and fight God's Battle.

        Goodbye.

        SONIC

        Don't bic me.

        NELSON

        I've gone through three dads in a year, is it worth smoking? I just think about pot all fucking day, it's driving me insane.

        NELSON

        I'm gullible. I'm weak and dependent. I just want a father figure. And I want someone to supply me with weed. Is it too much?

        NELSON

        I was always jealous of Bart. His dad coming home with big moneybags full of kush. We were lucky to smoke mids in my trailer.

        NELSON

        Am I a fool? How'd I get into this mess? How can one plant have this much control over me? But god damn, it tastes so sweet.

        NELSON

        I wonder what those cigarillos Homer smokes taste like...I wonder, if I smoke them, will I be more like him? Will I belong?

        NELSON

        I'm fat. I'm balding already. I smell like shit. I want to fucking kill myself. I want to die. My only friends are online.

        NELSON

        My only two friends, who are online, haven't responded to my steam messages in 6 weeks. They hate me. They know I'm ugly.

        BURNS

        Ugly boy! Come to the lab. We're just getting sta-WIGGUM

        Freeze, scum.

        NELSON

        Dad!

        WIGGUM

        Don't move, shitty kid.

        BURNS

        My god. Wiggum? You've turned?

        WIGGUM

        This town has gone too far.

        BURNS

        You were my #1 customer.

        WIGGUM

        That's over.

        WIGGUM

        Yeah. I love fluffy buds. They rule. They... they really rule. But I can't let Simpson City be a drug capital. Not now. Not ever.

        BURNS

        You're making a mistake.

        WIGGUM

        You're going to jail.

        BURNS

        You'll miss it.

        WIGGUMS

        You can always get pot.

        BURNS

        Not in my city

        NELSON

        You can't arrest my new dad! He loves my ugly mug!

        WIGGUM

        He's using you, kid.

        NELSON

        He loves me! You're evil!

        WIGGUM

        No!

        NELSON

        [with knife] I'll-I'll kill you Wiggum!

        WIGGUM

        I'm doing something good here! He's a bad man!

        NELSON

        HE LOVES ME!

        WIGGUM

        AH!!!

        Nelson plunges the dagger deep into Wiggum's spine. It causes convulsions. Wiggum shrieks in pain and falls to the floor, weezing

        Wiggum tries to stand up, tries to control his body but the knife, laced with THC, is causing his muscles to tense up.

        He's screaming

        Nelson stands over the body, still twitching, still making primal noises, and watches the result of his fateful decision.

        A man is dying

        NELSON

        Fuck.

        BURNS

        Holy shit...You're a good son. Are you okay?

        NELSON

        I killed him.

        BURNS

        He was a pig. They all have it coming.

        NELSON

        I... I guess I can make the spice now...

        BURNS

        Yeah...

        NELSON

        It's.. it's pretty easy...

        BURNS

        My son is a murderer.

        BURNS

        ♫ My new son killed a cop

        My new son killed a cop

        A cop died from my son

        A cop died from my son

        My ugly boy killed a policeman♫

        BART

        I'm going to join a PMC.

        MAGGIE

        That's fucked up. You sold your soul.

        BART

        I can't stop killing, even with bud.

        LISA

        I'll miss you brother.

        BART

        I can't wait to kill again.

        MARGE

        My son is insane.

        BART

        I might join the French Foreign Legion MAGGIE

        Let's smoke again.

        LISA

        One more time.

        BART

        I'm already high, and honestly I don't care. I'm leaving now, family. Goodbye.

        MAGGIE

        Stoned.

        LISA

        I am high, missin my brother

        MARGE

        Bones to go around. weed smoke in my face. life is good but bart is gone

        HOMER

        ♫ One son dead

        One son's a killer♫

        ♫ My daughters are disturbed

        I need to smoke that Swisher♫

        HOMER

        ♫ The Swisher is my new addiction Doesn't get me high♫

        ♫ Marijuana is an affliction Destroy your family♫

        ♫ It hurts your sons

        HOMER

        ♫ Tiny little fruity cigar

        Flavorful. My son's at war♫

        ♫ He's killing men he doesn't know Best flavor swisher is campfire s'mores♫

        HOMER

        ♫ I miss my family

        My son's deceased♫

        ♫ I miss my family

        Where's my son♫

        ♫ Dead in jail

        The criminals took my son♫

        ♫ Son is dead♫

        HOMER

        ♫ I want my boy back

        I miss that dead boy♫

        ♫ He was murdered in prison

        Strangled by a criminal♫

        ♫ Now he's gone forever

        I love you Ken♫

        HOMER

        ♫ My son Ken used to brighten my world, Now he's cold and dead in a grave downtown♫

        ♫ The boy's in his grave

        His final resting place♫

        HOMER

        ♫ The boy's in his grave

        His final resting place♫

        ♫ The boy's in his grave

        His final resting place♫

        ♫ The boy's in his grave

        HOMER

        ♫ More than anything

        I miss my son♫

        ♫ He was strangled by a drug dealer

        Inside of a closet♫

        ♫ Next to a toolbox

        HOMER

        ♫ My boy Bart he loves to kill

        CARL AND LENNY

        ♫ Loves to kill

        Loves to kill♫

        HOMER

        ♫ Piling up the bodies in a terrible hill HOMER

        ♫ He shoots the men & stabs them dead CARL AND LENNY

        ♫ Stabs them dead

        Stabs them dead♫

        HOMER

        ♫ Their ghosts will roam his spiky head HOMER

        ♫ One son is dead

        ♫ One son's a killer

        ♫ I'm smoking this Swisher

        ♫ I'm smoking this Swisher

        ♫ I need it to live

        ♫ I need it to live

        BART

        ♫ Take a hit

        Take a life♫

        ♫ There's no difference

        For a man like me♫

        ♫ I am a monster

        I murder and toke♫

        ♫ I am a monster

        BART

        ♫ I've caused so much pain

        I've caused so much death♫

        ♫ The weed helps me rest

        The weed helps me rest♫

        BART

        ♫ My mind is ablaze

        With the screams of my victims♫

        ♫ I sit here and blaze

        To silence their cries

        ♫ The blueberry kush

        Will keep me alive♫

        LISA

        ♫ Our brother's a killer

        MAGGIE

        Our father is sober♫

        LISA

        ♫ Our mother is desperate

        MAGGIE

        Our brother's a corpse♫

        MAGGIE AND LISA

        ♫ Underneath the city

        Our brother's skeleton screams♫

        ♫ He wants to be alive

        He was murdered by a drug dealer in prison♫

        LISA

        I see my brother's ghost in my dreams MAGGIE

        He screams at us through the veil of sleep BART

        Everything around me smells like blood.

        BART

        Do you smell that?

        SHOPKEEPER

        [shrugs]

        BART

        Do you smell the blood?

        SHOPKEEPER

        [shrugs]

        BART

        I smell it. Always.

        BART

        Even through the dank kush aroma I sense the metallic tang of freshly spilled blood CNN

        Iraqi President Sharif Millhouse was assassinated this morning. His body was dragged through the streets.

        HOMER

        This is insane.

        MARGE

        Lisa! Maggie! Come here! Millhouse has been killed LISA

        Did Bart do this?

        MARGE

        It was protesters. They're calling it "Arab Spring'

        MAGGIE

        Turn it off... it's horrifying

        MARGE

        It's history. You need to see it.

        LISA

        I'll always remember where I was when Millhouse died

        HOMER

        I'm getting my own apartment. I can't be around these drugs. I need to stay sober.

        MARGE

        Millhouse was killed.

        HOMER

        Yeah.

        HOMER

        He was a tyrant and a murderer

        MARGE

        He was our son's friend HOMER

        He was an unbridled piece of shit. He had to go.

        MARGE

        You've changed

        HOMER

        Sometimes it doesn't make sense to be chill.

        MARGE

        He was just a boy

        HOMER

        He was 24.

        HOMER

        He sold hash to Al Qaeda

        MARGE

        I didn't know that

        HOMER

        It was fucked up

        MARGE

        That is really fucked up

        BURNS

        My boy did good by me. And now we have a pound of copper diesel to sell.

        SMITHERS

        That's good. But he seems to be going batshit.

        BURNS

        That kid goes insane any time he passes a mirror.

        It's true, his only friends are online. He doesn't even have a cellphone.

        SMITHERS

        [lighting blunt] I think he's cool.

        BURNS

        I'd rather you not stand here and talk to me as you toke. Please leave.

        SMITHERS

        Nelson. Wanna toke?

        NELSON

        I'm sober, so, obviously?

        SMITHERS

        I want to share my weed with you.

        NELSON

        I have my first dub

        SMITHERS

        That's good.

        NELSON

        Yeah it's what da-Mr. Flanders always wanted. Just one dub.

        SMITHERS

        Sir?

        NELSON

        What?

        SMITHERS

        This is a .8 dub...

        NELSON

        You're telling me this is only .8 of one gram?

        SMITHERS

        Sir...

        NELSON

        Fuck!

        EXT. WIGGUM house

        WIGGUM

        Flanders? What are you doing here?

        FLANDERS

        I heard about your loss. I'm sorry. He was a good man.

        WIGGUM

        My husband was a narc, I won't miss him.

        FLANDERS

        That's...fucked.

        WIGGUM

        I need a man who can smoke with my fat son.

        FLANDERS

        Can I see the young Wiggum? I can pass it for a few minutes, just to see how he is. Man to man.

        WIGGUM

        Discipline my boy.

        FLANDERS

        Hey squirt!

        WIGGUM

        Go and fuck yourself, bum

        FLANDERS

        Chill out. I'll smoke with you.

        WIGGUM

        Yeah, MY weed.

        FLANDERS

        I have no qualms with smoking an elementary school student's bud for free.

        WIGGUM

        Sure, take a hit, jesus christ.

        FLANDERS

        This is a pretty nice house. I can see myself mowing that lawn...fuck i'm blazed.

        WIGGUM

        Please don't mow my dad's lawn.

        FLANDERS

        Your dad isn't here, kid, my son killed him. My rotten ex-son.

        WIGGUM

        That kid has issues.

        FLANDERS

        Tell me about it [exhales]

        WIGGUM

        Isn't this nice... It's nice to have a real man passing it on the couch with my son...it almost feels like a home again.

        WIGGUM

        You're gonna give me a hit too, right?

        FLANDERS

        Of course. I'm a gentlemen.

        WIGGUM

        My gradeschool kid gets good bud FLANDERS

        You got a handsome boy...smart too. Better take good care of him.

        WIGGUM

        Can you leave now?

        WIGGUM

        Stop it!

        WIGGUM

        Flanders, step outside with me.

        EXT. Wiggum back yard

        FLANDERS

        Could use a good mowing.

        WIGGUM

        You're a nice man.

        WIGGUM

        I've known you for so long. I know you always just wanted to settle down. You've made mistakes but we all have. You're lonely.

        FLANDERS

        Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.

        WIGGUM

        Exactly... [rips bong] Exactly.

        WIGGUM

        But...I can offer you my field of vision too.

        FLANDERS

        You can expand my horizons.

        WIGGUM

        I can give you everything.

        FLANDERS, strolling, hands in pockets I can picture a gazebo here.

        WIGGUM

        Jumping the gun a little bit? [she giggles]

        FLANDERS

        Heh..

        FLANDERS

        After 9/11, I knew anything could happen. I just wanted a son. And weed, of course, by the way, pass it. I tried to take all that.

        FLANDERS

        Green passion surges through my veins, directing me to the nearest lit piece, and ripping me apart inside.

        FLANDERS

        I'm. I'm a mess inside, I don't know if I'm up to the task of a family. But I know I WANT to try.

        Maybe it's the weed talking...

        FLANDERS

        But, here it is, being laid out in front of me, an opportunity not to take for myself but to offer myself to wholseome tokers.

        FLANDERS

        I think it's worth a shot.

        WIGGUM

        I'm only thinking about my boy

        FLANDERS

        A healthy pot smoking boy to call my own...

        FLANDERS

        ♫ Alone all my life

        Soiled with grief

        I will soon take a wife

        I will soon have a wife♫

        YOUNG WIGGUM

        ♫ What about my needs♫

        FLANDERS

        ♫ Toke by toke

        puff by puff

        I've gained a family through a tragic loss♫

        YOUNG WIGGUM

        ♫ I truly need help with my grievance♫

        MAGGIE

        Iight it

        LISA

        Light the joint

        MARGE

        Hold on...

        MAGGIE

        Just light the joint, it's not hard MARGE

        Hold on a second

        MARGE

        I miss my sons

        LISA

        Light it and pass it! Miss him later!!!

        MARGE

        My daughters are fiends, they're obsessed with pot.

        MARGE

        [aside] I'm going to take a couple ounces and stash them. I don't trust my kids. My least favorite boy is buried, what the fuck MARGE

        My husband is sober now. The house smells like cigarillos. He's a weirdo, I don't know him anymore. But he loves us. He can help.

        HOMER

        [on phone] Hello?

        MARGE

        I need your help, husband.

        HOMER

        What is it?

        MARGE

        Our daughters are fiending, bad.

        HOMER

        Sigh...

        LATER

        HOMER

        Alright kids. This is tough for me. But I have to put a stop to this.

        LISA

        You're going to smoke again?

        HOMER

        No.

        HOMER lifts a carpet, revealing a massive recess in the floor which holds kilos of sticky bud and hash. He runs his fingers over it

        HOMER

        Through me you go into a city of weeping; through me you go into eternal pain; through me you go amongst the lost people.

        HOMER

        Foul, plant, destroyer of things, ender of peace!

        This is your first and final lighting, this is the beginning and end.

        HOMER

        You've torn everything to shreds. I have a dead boy, a crazy boy, and two girls who beg for you incessantly. You're evil!

        HOMER

        Evil exists. Good and evil exist. And this is the bud of satan, the fallen angel, the betrayer of paradise, this is the serpent.

        HOMER

        I know now that this was all a mistake. And I will

        save my family from this chaos. Goodbye, pestilent devil. And good riddance!

        Homer douses the stash in gasoline, rushes his family out the door, and lights a trail. Flames engulf the pink family home Neighbors rush to the street to watch the blaze, each one becoming lifted from the potent cannabis fumes. Smoke billows over Springfield

        The sky blackens, it begins to rain, with every breath the citizens of springfield get higher and higher. People are laughing

        Part sadness, part relief, and part just plain being blitzed.

        The town has a final party. A final toke. In unison. It's paradise

        It's a temporary paradise, a break from the post-9/11 world, this mess of a planet, this scary place, the people rejoice in bud

        HOMER

        Finally.

        LISA

        Dad...what the fuck

        MAGGIE

        This was drastic.

        HOMER

        This needed to happen.

        MARGE

        Homer...You're high?

        HOMER

        [lighting swisher] It's a byproduct of my biggest act of peace and goodness. I can take solace in this blazedness for now.

        HOMER

        I can rest easy, knowing that my kids are safe. I love my family more than anything.

        MARGE

        Homer...In a way I'm proud...

        LENNY

        The Father Simpson's decisive moment

        CARL

        The sober patriarch's sacrifice MAN

        Echo de menos la mala hierba

        HOMER

        All of this time I blamed my problems on the scourge of marijuana... but my addiction was only a symptom of a deeper problem

        HOMER

        When I think back to my adolescence, the time when I began toking herb, I now realize another monumental shift that took place MAGGIE

        Our lives are different.

        LISA

        I don't like it.

        MAGGIE

        Dad bought us a lifetime supply of swishers LISA

        They hurt

        MARGE

        It's been days and I think I have emphysema LISA

        I miss weed

        MAGGIE

        It's good for us, sister

        LISA

        [sobbing] I want to get high.

        MAGGIE

        I can't appreciate Krautrock anymore LISA

        Fuck...me either

        MARGE

        My tastes have changed.

        LISA

        We should apply to college now. Let's just move on.

        MAGGIE

        Yeah, we've been lazy.

        LISA

        I think we'll have fun there.

        MAGGIE

        Do you

        LISA

        I have a friend there who goes to raves MAGGIE

        Sounds fun. I miss dancing. After the attacks...

        LISA

        Shhh...forget about all that.

        MAGGIE

        Okay. You're right. Let's go to raves.

        LISA

        My good college friend said she can show us a new kind of fun

        MAGGIE

        Cool.

        MARGE

        I'm worried about you sober girls.

        LISA

        Don't worry. [to maggie] Dount we'll stay sober long.

        MAGGIE

        [laughs] Don't worry mom.

        MARGE

        My dead boy. My killer boy. My sober girls. My sad man. I love myself not. I love myself not. My life was, and is bad.

        MARGE

        Handsome baby boy ken is dead. My girls are

        leaving. Bart? Bart is no more. I'm alone now. I'm alone but I have my stash.

        MARGE

        Nobody will know. Moe can't interfere now. Homer is in his own world. I can smoke alone in the woods and cry to nobody. I'll be ok.

        LENNY

        The daughters begin their journey.

        CARL

        What will lie in store?

        LENNY

        A crystal substance

        CARL

        Their teeth no more.

        HOMER

        My family is in shambles... For these past few years, I've blamed the herb. But I finally realize the real problem.

        HOMER

        In those dark days, when every night I would fall asleep to the vicious screaming of my parents, I abandoned my Roman Catholic faith.

        HOMER

        That Trinity, O Blessed Trinity, was replaced by the devil's trio of bong, bud, and Bic.

        HOMER

        My beloved bishops and priests were replaced by sullen stoned teenagers... I was drawn into Satan's maelstrom.

        HOMER

        Those blessed pages of the Gospel were replaced by Zig Zags and blunt wraps.

        HOMER

        As the marijuana smoke has cleared from my life, the Lord has revealed himself to me yet again.

        HOMER

        I have hidden from him too long behind these billowing clouds of kush vapor. Now I beg him to

        accept me back into that holy faith HOMER

        My family is destroyed. Mere sobriety and reflection will not redeem them. We will need the healing power of Christ to overcome this.

        HOMER

        In the bible, Job says, "I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth."

        HOMER

        He knew this, as I know this. Despite my period of waywardness, I know my redeemer lives. I know he will stand on this earth.

        HOMER

        And I know he will forgive me of my sins. I know he will help me rebuild this shattered family. I know he will fix with mess.

        HOMER

        Let us pray.

        HOMER

        Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

        HOMER

        Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us,

        HOMER

        ...and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

        HOMER

        For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.

        HOMER

        Amen.

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